Public profile of: lifesucks

Email	jenny_aust@iinet.net.au
Gender	Female
Age	-
Location	-
Homepage	-
ICQ / MessengerID	jenny_aust@live.com.au
Member since	14. Dec 2007
Last online	14. Nov 2008

I am 43 years old, married with two boys aged 17 and 14. I was given up for adoption as a baby. I was an only child and my adoptive mother died of cancer when I was 5 and my only real memories of her are when she was ill. I still remember the day of the funeral when I cried so much because I couldn't go and see the angels take her away.

During primary school I had to go to a friend of my dads to be cared for after school until my dad got home from work. In all my primary school years I think I got to go to a friends house after school maybe twice. During school holidays I was sent to stay with either my dads sister or my mothers sister.

After my mother died my dad never held me or told me he loved me and I was too young to remember if he ever did before that. During the times I stayed at one of my relatives houses I was sexually abused. This went on for a number of years during my time in primary school. I used to think it was something that he made up until I found out about sex in grade seven. It was from here that I really started to blame myself for going back to him. I felt it was all my fault and that I did not deserve anything good.

It wasn't until 1994 when my yougest son was one that I finally broke down and was ready to commit suicide. I had it planned and had written goodbye letters to my kids because I thought they deserved better than me. I was hospitalised and put on medication and have been on different ones ever since. I have now also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I still find life a struggle not just because of the depression and the BPD but also because of another phobia that I have grown up with all my life. It affects where I go, what I do, how long I am away from home and the list goes on. There is no real cure as such just bandaids or many years of graduated exposure therapy and then that is not a guarantee. I can't help but feel so useless as a result. I live every day of my life in fear of rejection and abandonment and find it so very difficult to get close to anyone in case they leave.

I found a pamphlet at the doctors surgery last December and hence found my way here.