Public profile of: JoanneC84

Email	-
Gender	Female
Age	23
Location	Sydney,Australia
Homepage	-
ICQ / MessengerID	-
Member since	23. Apr 2006
Last online	10. Oct 2008

I suppose the beginning is a great place to start....here goes....
My parents divorced when i was only 5 years old.I don't remember anything from my childhood especially the years when my dad was around. I have never really fitted in with my family or my siblings. I have an older sister, a younger sister and a brother.Also a half-brother (from my dad's second marriage)
I don't belong here, I've always been different to everyone,very much a one-man(woman) team.Me against the world I have always said.
The depression and anxiety set in during year 10.I had always been a straight 'a' student, I had huge expectations to live up to.My parents,my family,my teachers-they all had this great idea that I was a genius and would be capable of great things.By the time I got to the end of Year 11, I was a total mess.It was at this low,that I first attempted suicide.Year 12 went by in a blur.A close friend of mine was killed in a car accident at the beginning of the year, my life just spiralled out of control.I began self harming rather regularly.Ended up in counselling twice a week.My health got worse.I was having anxiety attacks very frequently.
The whole time, i kept it all bottled up.I suffered in silence,keeping it from my family and friends, never letting anyone in.
I somehow got a placement in university but not in the course that everyone had expected me to get.I continued seeing my counsellor,going on and off meds...hating life,cutting myself..the pressure to continue with high grades at uni was all too much.there is much more to the story but i just can't put it all in words.
In january 2005, my grandmother who i have lived with since my parents divorce,died suddenly after complications with a heart operation.It absolutely gutted me.I just kept wanting her to live and me to die.She didn't deserve to die,she wanted to live,I wanted to die so much,so why did she have to go?The rest of 2005 went by in a haze, by mid year i came close to having a breakdown,having to withdraw from uni classes and leave my job.I just couldn't handle life anymore.I was cutting again after almost 12months without doing it.
I had to under go surgery in Feb 05 for endometriosis.I have spent every moment since in pain and just wishing i had died on the table.And in 2007, I had to have surgery again as it had come back with a vengence.
Sometimes the hurdles which we face make us stronger people,sometimes they make us fall.I have had a relapse the last month or so.Back on meds after being off them for almost 2 years, i have started cutting again.I just can't handle it.the darkness has taken over again,I feel awful all the time.I'm not sleeping well.I can't explain what I'm thinking.....

A great place to stop is the end....'the hour of departure has arrived and we go our ways-I to die and you to live,which is better,only God knows.'-Socrates