Personal Story: depresseion and the issues I face
Written by
NellyKelly
Hi,
I am 30 years old, and live away from all of my family. I was about 5 years old when I was sexually abused by a an older boy and my parents decided not to tell me, thinking that I would probably be too small to remember. My childhood is a little vague...and I will get to that a bit later on. I was always a very quiet girl and my sister and I fought like cats and dogs all the time, I was so jealous of her because she was always the popular one at school and I was always quiet and shy, and wasn't as skinny as her.
When I was about 10 my parents exclaimed that we would be having an addition to the family in a baby brother, which I loved the thought of. My mum kept saying he had my eyes and I couldn't wait to start playing with him. Unfortunately he happened to be a premature baby and he died three months on. I was very sad but kept it all inside me. My parents didn't want my sister and I to go to the funeral and say our goodbyes because they thought that it would upset us so we stayed at gran's place until it was over.
It was about at this time that I tried to committ suicide for the first time - I was 10 years old, and wanted to be with my brother. I tried to hang myself from the light in my bedroom but instead, fell down onto the ground and only ended up with a bump on arm and shoulder.
Moving on a few years, we moved around a fair bit and went to a few different schools until settling down for longer than a year back in the South West. At the age of 14 my parents decided to separate and I stayed with my dad thinking that my mum had abandonded us. I felt sorry for dad because he didn't have anyone and mom had a new man in her life who was 10 years younger.
Up to this point I was a very quiet, shy, reserved kid and didn't really get into friendship and distanced myself from all my friends etc. I was teased at school and wasn't a very popular girl but managed to stick to a select few, however when I left school I found alcohol and went on an 8 year suicide mission basically. I was permiscuous, suicidal, sexaully assaulted on numerous occasions and blacked out a lot of the time, treated the friends I had with total disrespect and treated my family the same way, lied about everything and really didn't care about my health, wellbeing or my life.
I have been in and out of counselling since primary school, gained a considerable amount of weight and didn't really care what I was doing to myself, or my family and friends.
I tried jumping off a tower when I when I was about 19, totally intoxicated and was lucky enough to listen to a guy that said he was police officer but turns out he wasn't - he just wanted a bit on the side.
My dad told me constantly that I could be beautiful if I only lost a few pounds and that stage I was 65kgs, which I considered pretty reasonable, nevertheless this comment stayed in my head for a long time. My mum says I was brainwashed by my dad and at one stage I didn't want anything to do with her, because she had left us for another man.
I have had alot of partners, more than half that have cheated on me with others and find it very hard to trust anyone, even family for several reasons which I won't go into. Anyway I moved away from the town and went to live elsewhere with my partner at the time. Seemed like a good thing to do apart from the fact that we both liked to drink alot and he was very much like my dad in the way of emotional and domestic abuse.
When it came down to it a friend that I had met in this new place asked me some very hard questions that I couldn't answer, me being so used to others making decisions for me didn't know what to say and that was the point when I realised that no-one had ever asked me these sorts of questions before. What did I want out of life?, What do I like doing? It was soon after this that I broke up with my fiance, realising that he wasn't doing anything for me and after 8 years of being with him this was a big decision for me to make. The clincher was that I spoke to my mum who finally told me why she left my dad and I found out that I was very much in the same situation as her and our lives awere very similar, although my mum was much more exposed to domestic violence than I was.
I then went on a total bender, lost my drivers licence and had to pay $1650 for DUI, twice in the same night, lost my job and split up with my partner... all in the same week. I had no-one to turn to, no-where to go and ended up months later being in a relationship with the original person who wanted to know the answers to the questions he had asked me months beforehand.
Since then I walk everywhere, had lost 30 kilos, worked at a counselling agency, had a bit more confidence in myself, found out what I really want to do in life and who I want to be and succeeded in completing a business degree.
But I have had a lot of health problems, my addiction to alcohol has now been moved to an addiction of smoking, and now I have turned 30, all the issues have come back to haunt me because I haven't dealt with them properly, I have gained all the weight back, and totally hate myself (always have really).
I don't know how to deal with my problems, because I have avoided and blocked them for so long. I also don't have much memory of my childhood except for the select few moments which I think also alcohol has contributed to this and I really think that I have had problems my whole life and probably will have problems in years to come. Like a nasty habit, to feel miserable about myself and the world.
I have seen that many counsellors and psychologists in my lifetime and no-one seems to be able to help, I have so many self help books but it's like I know what to do I just can't seem to do it. I seemed to be fixed on destroying myself and addicted to negativity, I honestly hate myself and don't feel that I am worthy of much at all. All the compliments in the world will not convice me that I am a good person and I have so much resentment, insecurity, fear, frustration and unhappiness in my life.
I am depressed on a daily basis, my apathy builds all the time and I don't know if I will ever get rid of the feeling it gives you (maybe I want to keep feeling miserable because Im' so used to it?). I am trying to get back on track but it is hard to be happy and beleive in myself, when I never did believe in myself to start with. I just can't be bothered with anything. I am supposed to be studying my Cert 4 in Community Services but lack the motivation, the attitude, the passion and the mindset that I once had for it.