Disappearing
Written by
sleepyhead
Will I really disappear when I’m on my own...???
I haven’t yet.
What does disappearing mean? What does it look like?
I know I feel it as butterflies in my gut, pain in my chest and tightness in my throat and tingling in my eyes, and down my arms as well.
I need to have a sense of substance just by myself. To wean myself from being a people junkie.
It just makes me want to hurt myself or abuse my meds...
To sleep and never wake up...
Is it that I believe I have no value ... yet friends have proved otherwise.
Is it because I miss Papa God... and yet he hasn’t gone anywhere...
Why don’t the things I know to be true ‘get in’... where they can make a difference..
I know that a significant other can’t meet the aching vacuum-like need in my chest...
I’m sorry I try to find people who will ... and then the relationships go pear shaped
And I feel so sad ....
Still crying is good ....
Find a hobby, people say ... just DO it ...
But I want to throw it out the window , smash the window, stamp and scream.
I had a hobby for 40 years ... it nearly killed me!!!
I know ‘never’ statements are untrue ... but just now, I can’t imagine being any better.
I have committed myself to walk everyday this week ... can I JUST DO that much???
Maybe that is all I can do ... at least it will be something.
I can sit in a shopping centre and watch the people.
I can choose to stay safe.
I could go to Emergency.