The question was submitted
Monday, 18 May 2009
Subject: Telling the young ones why daddy is not at home
A mutual decision my wife and I made recently was for me to move in with my parents while I get treatment for anxiety and depression (new meds and my first referral to a psychologist).
The only kick in the teeth so far has been the reaction of my 5yr old - "Daddy why do you have to help Nan and Pop for so long???" - the story I have fed him so far is that they need the help, not me!!
Im in a dilemma - tell him Im sick with depression but the marriage is on a knife edge and may not be living at home anymore. Or lie and keep telling him all is well with me in the blind hope that I will be back home as soon as I have the depression in order?
How do you tell a 5yr old that Dad has an illness in the head? Even ignoring the marital concerns is it wise to tell him? What to tell him?
Answer from DepNet
Dear “Telling the Young Ones”,
I fully realize your letter is not about a frivolous matter but the best way I can illustrate my answer is to repeat a joke that one of my Professors told me over 30 years ago. He was a professor in Child Health lecturing on communications with children.
A little boy (let’s say 5 years old) walks up to his father and says “Daddy where do babies come from”?
Daddy gulps, panics, and starts a detailed lecture on genitals, sexuality, sperm, eggs, babies growing in Mummies’ bellies, birth canals and so on. At the end of it he says “Is there anything else you want to know”? The child replies “All I wanted to know is if they came from hospitals”.
The point is that your son is 5 and as such needs simple answers that reduce his anxiety if possible.
My advice is that since you’ve already told him you’re helping Nan and Pop you stick to the story, tell him it might take a while, see him/phone him as often as you can, tell him you love him and do everything you can to gain control of the depression. I do not believe a 5 year old need to be told about a “sickness in the head”.
Once the depression is responding you can then start to sort out the marital issues. Remember that when you’re depressed everything looks black and your capacity for intimacy (in every sense of the word) is reduced. Many couples have felt their relationship was “on the edge” when one of them was depressed only to find that successful treatment of the depression made sorting out the issues much simpler.
Good luck.
The answer was published on DepNet
Thursday, 28 May 2009