The Email I wish I had the guts to send
A page in the diary "The Whirlpool of Change"
Written by wild_rose Monday, 8 February 2010 14:27
I love you, you're my sister and love you I always will, you're family and that will always hold an impenetrable bond, you have helped me out in many ways for which I will always be greatful... But...
Why is it any form of commucication we have be it email or the phone you always bring up the topic of money that I owe you? Why can't we ever have a conversation where you don't bring up the topic of money that I 'owe' you and when I say I can't do it that I only have that much left to my name to get some fuel for my car and some food you demand that I hand it over even it means rendering me broke and leaving me without a way to get to work or without food and then when I still say I can't do it, you put me on a guilt trip saying that you need it really badly because you without it you can't get your medication and you've been without for 3 days now and your scared you'll have a seizure. Basically saying that if you have a seizure I'm the one to blame.
How is it my fault if you don't take responsilbilty for your own medication and allow your medication to run out? Oh but I don't understand what it's like to be on medication to stop seizures... That's true although I do exactly what it's like to be on medication that you can't run out of, remember in case your forgetting I'm on a mood stabilser and anti-depressant and if I stop the a/d within days I can feel myself plummeting and the uncontrolable urge to burst into tears, see my meds keep me stable and stop the deprssion taking hold of me again. So I do know what it's like to be on life changing meds. Why do I never run out? Simple because I always check how many I have left befor I get paid and if I need more of them I budget according. They take priority over EVERYTHING else, they have to, I need them to function.
One thing that frustrates me and hurts is I can go for a week without contact from you, but I always know that I'll at least hear from you the day before my pay day or on my pay day, then you try and make me feel bad by telling me all your financial woes, like your expecting me to offer you money. No wonder I have started to come to dread my pay day. Even though my pay day should be a day I look forward to with much anticipation because it my reward for working.
Maybe you really need to assess your financial situation do you really need your credit card? Or do you really need to go out as often as you do to get drunk with your mates? Maybe if you didn't go out one weekend you could afford your medication? Would I demand money out of you or anybody for that matter for my medication and then make them feel guilty if they couldn't do it? NO, I'd never dream of it because I would deem it my own stupidity for not being more responsile and budgeting for then.
You always complain that I don't always pick up the phone eveytime you call, but considering the conversation always leads to you wanting me hand over $50 for an electricity bill 2-3 months after I moved out for while I was living there, even though you yourself said the board I paid was incuding bills. Is it any wonder I don't always run to answer the the telephone knowing I'm going to cop a guilt trip because I'm refusing to hand ove my hard earned cash? Look at it this way would you always answer the phone to me if everytime I called I asked for money?
In the past few time you've made contact to discuss money, you have not once asked about how I'm going with work... I am running the risk of being made REDUNDANT, I am at risk of becoming unemployed, that alone has sent my stress levels sky high. I am facing unemployment, no job which means no money and your still hassling me about money. I have bigger issues to deal with right now.
You need understand I love you, you're my sister, but I can't keep doing this is does not help my state of mind, because I know exactly where the topic of conversation is going to lead and how worn out and bruised I will feel from the conversation.
I love you and I always will, but I just can't keep doing this it's tearing me apart inside and I need space. I need space from you and I'm sorry but unless you can call me or email me where the conversation doesn't lead to money, then please just don't contact me at all
I can't deal with it anymore, please understand I have to think of myself right now, with all that's going on with my job I'm stressed enough and with all you talk of me giving you money just adds to it and it's sending me straight down the shit chute and I'm sorry but I cannot and will not allow this to myselr I have fought too hard to make it this far just to fall now.