No selfesteem hate myself life sucks
A page in the diary "Goin thru hell!"
Written by ezza1990 Friday, 3 July 2009 20:46
Hi All lately i have been having the worst self esteem i feel so shithouse. I hate the way i look i hate myself sooo much i think im a loser and dont wanna leave the house cuz i dont want ppl to look at me.
I suffered bullying when i was in skewl and iwent thru counselling and stuff went bak to a psyc for a few weeks bt couldnt afford it and aint sure if shes the rite one for me. I feel so lonely and like a piece of shit at times i just wanan die. I constantly get nagged by my mum im under constant stress at hme and i always need everything to be perfect and wen its not i crack it. Im soo focused on having everythign perfect and it never works. I dont like talking cuz im scared im going to fuck up and say the wrong thing. I hate myself sooo much and feel myself sinking lower and lower each day. Ppl ask wat makes u betta? Bt for me it seems to be nothing sure chocolate sumtimes does bt i dont wanna get fat i see myself gettn thinner i am and i dont no who to talk too i need help i know but ahh and im soooo cranky and all i eva wanna do is sleep and i turn to alcohol cuz it takes the pain away.
Im hurting sooo mcuh inside my body i just wanna be dead be gone be vanished but i know death isnt the answer and i know its up to me to get betta but im jst sooo fucked up in the head. My speech gets fucked sooo i try not to tlk cuz i dont wanna make a mistake, i constantly tied, dizzy spells,simtimes weird headaches at the back of the head,stiff,neck, anxiety all the time anxiety at its worse wehn im at work all the pressure all the orders from different ppl working do this do that gettin in shit for taking a 24 minute break insted of 30 cuz my memories fucked up i can never remember wat the fuck im doing or where i am or ahhh i get anxiety rashes i get hot thruout my whole body, dry mouth, tingly,hot flushes and im scared im sooo scared mum said it ups to me to help myself but ive never told the docs or my family wat i really go thry cuz its too fuckin hard!!!