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Return of the delusions and paranoia

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Written by babz Sunday, 7 February 2010 11:50

Last year, as a final attempt to help control my paranoid and delusional psychotic thoughts, my psychiatrist put me on clozapine, which is a very strong anti-psychotic used on treatment-resistant schizophrenia. It was a pain in the ass, cause since it can have deadly side effects I had to have blood tests weekly to monitor my white blood cell count, but it at least made my psychosis a bit easier to deal with.

Not the Thursday just gone but the one before, my psychiatrist took me off it because my blood cells were getting into the 'amber zone' (meaning my white blood cell count was beginning to drop which meant my weekly blood tests progressed to twice weekly much to my dismay) and also cause it made me put on a tonne of weight - around 20kg in the 3 months I was taking it, without changing my eating or exercise habits.

At first I was relieved that it was stopped. I hate needles, so being able to stop the blood tests was a great. I still have 2 to go, but there is at least a light at the end of the tunnel. After stopping them is when my sleeping problems came, but at the time they were only mild. Then the paranoid and delusional thoughts came back with avengence.

For example, if I get home in the dark, I can't park my car in the garage because I am too scared to open the garage door as I am convinced that there is someone hiding in there with a knife waiting to stab me. When I go to bed I am paranoid that someone is hiding under my bed. When I am in my study at night doing uni work, I am too scared to turn around and face the door because again, I am convinced that someone is standing there. I am too scared to turn the lights off, because at least in the light I can see if someone is there, rather than being in the dark just waiting to feel someone touch me. At first the thoughts were ignorable, but now I am not sleeping properly because I am too scared to close my eyes. I only go to sleep when I pass out from my night time medication.

Last night after I took my brother home from Mum's birthday dinner, I drove straight back to her house because I was absolutely terrified of going home. I told her what was happening and she took me off to the pharmacy to get some over the counter sleeping tablets. They helped a bit - I slept from about 11pm-1:30am, went back to sleep about 6,woke up at 7, went back to sleep about 8 and woke up at 10. Very broken sleep, but more than I've had the last week or so, although I had terrible nightmares.

Something needs to be done to control these thoughts. My psychiatrist says that they are psychosis because he has diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder. Yes, technically I suppose I meet the criteria, but I can't help but think that the delusions and paranoia I have are somewhat related to what I went through with my abusive boyfriend and the random that assaulted me. This gave me features of PTSD, and whilst I'm not trained in the area it seems possible that fear of someone hurting me again could well stem from the times I was actually hurt, all of which were in the dark.

I'm not entirely sure what to do to get a handle on it. My psychiatrist is firm in his diagnosis, but he is very much a biological pdoc so his answer to everything is more meds, ECT and hospital, when it seems fairly obvious that while they are important, psychotherapy/counselling need to be done. I have a psychologist whom I haven't seen for awhile cause he refuses to believe that I have SA disorder and it just confused me having two different professionals working against each other to try and help me with completely different, incompatible pathologies. To try and solve this dilemma I went to my GP and asked her to refer me to a pdoc that would do meds AND talk therapy since then at least there would only be one person involved so I would be treated for the same thing, but she refused.

I'm not sure what to do really... I am contemplating going to an afterhours GP today to get a script for some proper sleeping tablets. I think if I at least got a decent amount of sleep tonight I would be able to deal with the thoughts a bit better. I am going to set my alarm for 9am tomorrow morning, so on the off chance I'm still asleep I will be woken up so I can call my psychiatrist first thing and try and make an earlier appointment. I don't think I can stick it out until Wednesday afternoon (which is when I'm set to next see him) on my own, my fight is starting to run out.

Comments from the community

Hi babz,

Im sorry you are going through such a traumatic time at the moment, it must be very difficult to live like that.
I don't understand how your GP can refuse you a referral to another pdoc.....what has she got to lose out of it??
All she has to do is give you the referral and let a new pdoc make the decision of what they can or cannot do for you. Can you see another GP?

Are you able to stay with your Mum for a while and would this help so you can get the rest you badly need?

I hope you can get some help soon Babz, and i can understand how your fight would be waning. I have been on that meds, ECT, hospital merry go round and it's not pleasant.

Good luck Babz and keep fighting.

Luv Nouse

Written by Nouse, Sunday, 7 February 2010 11:58

Babz, what you are going through is really, really hard. Made worse because you don't have health professionals you don't really trust. It is hard looking for a new GP or psychiatrist when you are so sick, but it sounds like it would really help you if you could. I really feel for you.

Written by Masquerader, Sunday, 7 February 2010 20:39

Hi babz
I see you are trying to help yourself. You are indeed a fighter. THings will get better when your meds are sorted. It must be confusing when you are getting different opinions from your docs. I'm not sure of your circumstances, but perhaps you should consider moving in with your mum until you are feeling better? Babz I send you a huge hug. Please know we are here for you.
I care
OOTB

Written by outoftheblue, Monday, 8 February 2010 09:56

Hi Babz. Fear of the dark sounds like what you have. There are odd moments though I have lived alone forever when I am afraid, very rarely though when I was nursing and starting in the dark I would sometimes run to the car which annoyed me because I did it for years... I shake that sort of stuff off and use rational thought, which when I read your stuff you can see your actions objectively so I am unsure about the schizo affective thingy also. It doesn't sound to me like you are "convinced" there is someone in the garage..just free floating anxiety. I would find a dark garage intimidating, it is about 25 bucks only for sensor lights whichturn on when you drive in, put them where you need them, I did, lotsa people do..
Sleeping tablets can be "disinhibiting" so if you do in fact experience true psychosis they can worsen it.
Some years ago you mentioned an "attachment" to Hospital treatment and Medical treatment...perhaps that is why your Gp is not compliant with another change. Changing Practitioners frequently would not be in anyone's best interests and your Gp knows your situation, you have consulted and been Professionally addressed re that request, trusting your GP might be a wise choice.
Having said what I have said, it is good to hear from you and I am sorry you are feeling lousy. I am 49 and have had maybe...10 hours sleep the last 3 days overall...knowing that, I keep myself pretty quiet because I know I am not at my best.
I hope you feel better soonish, please don't lose control..I do, rarely, but it is not attractive nor beneficial to me...

Written by signpost, Monday, 8 February 2010 14:05

Hi Babz,
Sorry you are having trouble sleeping and having scary thoughts, i have the same thoughts.
When i lived alone i would not go outside after dark, i slept with the lights on, and i had security mesh installed on all of my windows, and triple locks on my doors etc.
When i came home from being out, i would walk in and click the door locked behind me and then check inside every cupboard, under the bed etc to make sure no one was hiding inside my house, then i used go back and triple lock the door.
I hated parking in the garage and used to take a giant leap out of the car because i thought someone might be underneath it and grab my ankles or cut my achilles when i got out of the car.
I am a lot better now that i have big dogs, but the fears are still there, i just tell myself that the dogs would let me know if something was wrong.
Now, when i come home i don't come inside the house until i can see or hear the dogs (they stay inside).
Recently one of my hubbys friends came over when my hubby wasn't home and i panicked, i heard the front gate open and saw a person standing in the dark near the gate. I thought it was my hubby, and was expecting him to walk through the door, but nothing happened, except the dogs were going nuts, so i rang his mobile and asked what was taking so long outside, he said he wasn't outside. I panicked and turned off all the lights, grabbed the dogs and waited. It turned out that the guy was on his way to knock on the front door, but he panicked when he heard the dogs and ran back to his car as he wasn't sure if they were inside or outside. We laughed about it later, but at the time i could have died with fear.
Recently my hubby was away and i was too scared to let the dogs out for a wee in the dark so they had to hold until the morning.
I think it is normal, especially for females to fear things, so try not to feel bad about it. It is ok to sleep with a light on, to install some sensor lights, and to check your house when you come home. I always leave lights on, as i can't walk into a dark room, and i trim plants so there are less hiding spots outside. I am by no means cured, i could not go to the letter box by myself after dark, but i don't need to, some things can wait. Not sure if you have a dog, but maybe consider getting one, as they have extra good hearing and will let you know if something isn't right.
Love,
Numb
xx

Written by Numb, Monday, 8 February 2010 21:57

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Return of the delusions and paranoia

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