My story

Going no where

Written by Griffin08

Well I have suffered from depression for a long while really, but only clinical diagnosed about 5 years ago. I am 27 years old and feel as though it all started when I finished highschool 10 years ago. I think about all the depressive episodes I have had and the first one I every had was about 2 months after my HSC. I was torn as to whether I should work in an office job or go to university. And still to this very day I am going through the exact same decision.

I have been trying to get a university degree since 1999, I have attempted Graphic Design, Egineering and now Nursing. I also did a bridging course in there somewhere to get a better UAI.

I have entered into a pretty deep and dark whole and have my black dog right beside me. He went away for a good while and I thought I'd never see him again, but I was wrong.

I had a total melt down yesterday and haven't really been able to function since. I just feel as though I am a failure, that I am weak and no matter how hard I try I am getting and have got no where with my life.

I am engaged to the most wonderful man who loves me so much and I am so very lucky for that. I feel so guilty that I am letting him down and that I have stuffed everything up. That I am so paralised by anxiety and fear that I can earn money or achieve for us.

My thoughts are 'what's the point?' and 'what's the point trying if this is all it comes back to in the end no matter what I do'. I don't want to try anymore, it all seems false to me, I don't want to be a nurse anymore.

On the bright side, if there is one, all I want in my life is to feel happy, worthwhile, get married and have a family. But you think what's the point, why try when no matter what I do it fails.