The question was submitted
23/07/2008
Subject: my husband is very depressed
i am 42 married with hubby, 2 kids and hubby hurt his back and has been out of work for about 2 years. He is so depressed he is not motivated at all some days. I work part time doing housework and personal care and then my own housework and kids etc.
I keep getting sick with all the stress therefore taking time off.
He will not do anything about his depression or his back. if anything can be done i dont know.
its getting really hard to put up with this situation.
Maybe someone else has some tips to cope with this.
Answer from DepNet
Hello and thank you for taking the time to write to us.
From your letter, it seems you are in a difficult situation at the moment, coping with a partner who is unwell, and at the same time, caring for your family and home while working. Living and supporting someone with depression, particularly a partner or close family member, can be taxing and distressing for those living with or close to them. For all concerned, it's important to recognise that depression is an illness, that can be effectively treated. It's also important to understand, that depression can be triggered by a physical injury (like back pain) or another illness. Conversely, depression can exaggerate physical symptoms; indeed in some people, symptoms of depression can include aches and pains and tiredness.
It is certainly important that your husband receive some medical attention; this would probably assist his pain management and help him and you and your children to understand the pathway for resolving the condition and/or managing the pain. A trained GP would also be able to assess the symptoms you describe: certainly, a lack of energy and a loss of motivation are often associated with depression. Receiving effective treatment for depression (usually a combination of talking therapies and medication) may indeed help to relieve the back pain, as well as improve the symptoms of depression. You mention that your partner is resisting treatment at this time, but if he is aware that effective treatments are available for both conditions, and that getting better would greatly help his family, as well as himself, then he may be more open to seeing a caring doctor.
In the meantime, it is very important that you take care of yourself. You mention that you are becoming unwell yourself, because of the distress you are feeling in your current situation. I would urge you to see your own GP, and tell them about your situation. (You may like to take a copy of your email to us, and this response along, to introduce your concerns). Your doctor would be able to assess your physical and emotional health, and provide advice about both. They may also be able to refer you to a trained counsellor (the government now provides Medicare subsidy for psychologists) who can help you to develop some strategies to deal with your anxiety as a partner, mother and provider. The GP or counsellor may also suggest seeing you and your partner together, and this may be the basis of helping your partner with his own conditions.
It's important for you to think about the positive lifestyle behaviours that have been shown to be very beneficial for all people in stressful situations. These include eating well, getting enough sleep, some gentle exercise, and spending some time (even small amounts are good) doing things that you enjoy (coffee with a girlfriend or seeing a good movie, for example). It would also be helpful for you and your children to get around some supportive people, maybe a school teacher or church minister if that's appropriate, or participating in group activities. While your husband's illness is troublesome, it is important for you and your children to have some positive input, even if your husband, at least at this time, does not seem to be doing all he can to help himself.
All the best.
The answer was published on DepNet
24/07/2008