The question was submitted
14/07/2008
Subject: Depression verses Depression
I am a 38 woman who has a turbulant life in gerneral and relationships including domestic violence, ex is a convicted paedophile and an ex who was abusive and commited suicide
My current relationship has been for 18 months and we are engaged our relationship early on was the normal GREAT then slowly got worse it was not so bad when we lived in seperate houses my lease was due to expire in January 2008 so my partner asked me to move in but i suggested i take another 12 month lease then see how things go then he thought i didnt want to be with him so i did move in and now here is the rest of the story......
My partner was diagonized with depression 2 days ater i was dismissed from hospital due to major depression break down
My parnter is sufering anxiety and has difficulities with family overseas and interstate he gets very angry when drinking and says horrible past things such as me running to the paedophile as my son was here on access he is 7 yrs old due to the violence in my past i decided it was safer to be with his dad and grandparents due to my partners yelling and arguing and drinking. (my ex has 50% custody as i do settled in court
My sons father has commited a crime and the courts have punished him on a 2 yr good behaviour bond he is always there for all the children when they need help the only involvement i have with my ex husband is to do with our children.
My eldeset daughter moved out of my partners house where we live(my 14 yr old son, my partner myself and his daughter who is 20) due to my partner smoking canabis and heavy drinking and just lots of people staying for drinks after band practice till the early hours of the morning, and my partners daughter who is 20 always bosses my daughter around she is 16 she feels unwanted in the house as she did have typical teenage problems and was also yelling at me and was very angry at other people interfering I made it clear that my daughter has 1 mother and doesnt need another.
life has become very diffucult due to my partners drinking and verbal abuse i am trying to deal with my depression and have been advised that what my partner is doing is domestic verbal abuse and unacceptable i love him dearly but feel I cannot keep this life style up we have broken up so many times and when this has happened he has verbally abused me via txt. My belongings in the house have been tossed on the front lawn twice and the other times my belongings were just put in my sons room and i was told to get out i dont have anywhere to go, i did go into a hotel provided by chrisis care then to go to a refuge with my 14yr old son but was very hard for him so we ended up comming back to my partners house and all was swept under the rug once again, these episodes were going on every couple of months now it is every couple of weeks.
I dont work as of my depression and other medical problems but am currently home studying business development and certificate 2 and 3 in financial studies.
My partner is a shift worker and usually works from 3pm to 11pm he comes home watchs foxtell chills out then drinks alot of bourbon and smokes cananbis he says he needs it to help him calm down from work and to help him sleep, I am aware of his drinking and smoking weed but it was only lightly (so i thought)
He drinks exsesive bourbon and i have seen him top up the bottle with water to make it look like he hasnt drank much i did confront him he just deneys it or says its ok like that it is home brew so on hand at anytime.
I cannot stay up till 2am with him as i get tired by midnight then want to go to bed to sleep but cant sleep due to my brain not switching off trying to find a way to make things work and end up taking a sleeping tablet (diazapam) to switch off but my partner then will either fall asleep on the lounge or come into the bedroom at early hours turn the bright light on turn the tv on and then i wake up and cannot get back to sleep so i go and sleep in my sons room when he is not there if he is there i sleep on the couch
My biggest problem is his iregular medication taking and excessive drinking, he is also a band member in a band so there is alot of drinking and drugs
I moved in with my partner in January of this year and its been turbulent since we moved in i suggested that i move out with my chilren and he stays here but still together as a couple but he said that if i did that we were over i love him but cannot live with him like this.
I am lost and need some advice from your people, i am currently in councilling with my local womens centre and am on Zoloft 50mg i have been on antidepresants since year 2000 have been on zoloft , Lovan, and efexor 150mg now back on zoloft.
I dont drink heavily, occasionally i have a few drinks when i go out or have friends over but have been told exsesive alcohol is not good especially when on antidepresnts
My partner is on Zoloft 50mg but does not seek councilling or see his gp regularly he just pops the pill when he remembers or when i remind him
i need to help me but need to help him but now I feel that he blames me for everything, i am currently very stressed, depressed and have had sucidal thoughts and feel worthless as a parent and a partner as it just seems to much to deal with anymore.
i was in hospital for 10 days a year ago for major depression break down and i and many people think that my partner does not support me in a positive way but puts me down alot or insults me
I have had had bad realatiosnhips but this one hurts so much as my partner knows what i have been through but just digs it all up when he gets angry and defensive.
I dont have anywhere else to go and feel so trapped.
Please help me
Answer from DepNet
Thank you for writing to us with your question. Your life certainly does sound turbulent and difficult. Given how much you are battling with and the many challenges you have faced over recent years, and perhaps in the past too, it is possibly not surprising that it is hard to get your depression under control. But you must have also developed some very valuable inner strengths too, to have coped with it all.
You have many responsibilities at present: looking after your kids as well as looking after yourself. Even though you say that you love your current partner very much, you also say that you can’t live with him like this, and it sounds as if feeling so stressed about it all is making you feel worse. Living with such ongoing stress every day often makes depression worse and often makes people feel worthless and suicidal. It sounds like this is your experience, and it also sounds as if it is an extremely tough experience for your children. And while they are not small anymore, they are still at an age when they need as stable and supportive home life as possible.
It’s hard for anti-depressants to work their best when life is so turbulent. A house filled with shouting, alcohol, cannabis and emotional/verbal/text abuse makes recovering from depression extremely difficult. It sounds from what you describe as if the arguments are becoming more frequent and more unpleasant. It also sounds as if your partner is not able to look after his own emotional needs at present (eg not taking his medication, seeing his doctor, or taking advice to reduce his alcohol and cannabis), let alone looking after your needs or the needs of the children.
I can’t tell you to leave your partner, and I know that doing so it is never as easy as it sounds from the outside. But I can tell you that you must use your counselling sessions to consider what you should do, to best meet the emotional needs that you and the children have. You can’t look after your partner if he won’t look after himself and if he is abusive, unsupportive and undermining. But you do have a responsibility to think about what is in the best interest of your children. One of the most important things for them is that you are in good shape, and one of the most important ways of getting into better shape is feeling comfortable, safe and content at home.
Please work with your counsellors to consider what your options are. The answers to feeling better and to getting over your depression are almost certainly going to be found in the talking work you do in counselling. It is very helpful to be on a good anti-depressant, and it will help keep you find the inner strength to cope and to tackle your situation and the decisions ahead, but it is the talking therapy that will help you work out the best decisions to make to move forwards.
Good luck in this. I feel confident you can achieve what you need to, as I am sure you have some remarkable inner strengths, to have achieved what you already have.
The answer was published on DepNet
16/07/2008