Mail box replies
The question was submitted
10/07/2008
Subject: Trying to help my partner.
I am a 34yr old woman and have been suffering from depression for the past six years. I have also just been diagnosed with bordeline personality disorder.
My depression has put a huge strain on my relationship with my husband and 11yr old son.
My problems are greatly increased by my husband not getting the help that he needs also. I have tried taking him with me to my psychologist and psychiatrist appointments, with no great effect. He did see someone through work to try and get help, but failed to go anymore than once. My psychologist and also my GP have tried numreous times to get him to go, but he refuses to go see someone.
How can I get him to talk about how he feels with someone, when he won`t even talk to me about it? We can`t afford to see someone on a private level.
I am getting worse because I feel I am to blame for him feeling low all the time. He has resorted to working very long hours.
I have resorted to self harming again, it`s the only way I can express my feelings. Although I am dealing with my problems one step at a time.
Answer from DepNet
Hi "Trying to help my Partner",
Thanks for your letter. It would be easy to be angry at/with your Husband because he won’t seem to accept the help you feel he needs and I can understand why you want to help him. As it is at the moment (the way you seem to be looking at it) he’s the "bad guy" holding up progress (by not accepting help) and making you feel so bad that you resort to self harm then feel guilty for his feeling "low all the time".
There is another way of looking at this situation. You could consider the following (please discuss it with your treatment team):
We are each responsible for our own emotions. For example you could thank me or abuse me for this response and it’s up to me how I react to your thanks/abuse. You can not MAKE me feel anything I choose not to feel.
One of the central problems in many cases of Borderline Personality Disorder is that the sufferer really believes that their emotions are caused by others and that they (the person with BPD) have no control over them. A common aspect of therapy is learning to accept responsibility for, and control of, our emotions rather than blame others for them.
If you look at it this way your husband’s problems are your husband’s problems and he can deal with them in any way he likes. It’s up to you to decide what you’re prepared to tolerate and to also be responsible for your own behaviour.
The answer was published on DepNet
11/07/2008