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The question was submitted 20/05/2008

Subject: What happened?

I am an 18 year old female and wish to know about something that happened to me a few months ago (about 7 weeks before I started treatment for my depression/anxiety). I have suffered feelings of depression and anxiety for 6 years. I recently found out (as in, a few days ago) that I also have a family history, with a member of my immediate family having been hospitalized for depression when they were 19.
I haven't told anybody about this (not even my doctor) as I don't like to talk about it...
So about two months ago I was having a very bad day, crying constantly and feeling very, very low. I decided to take a shower to calm down/cry some more without anyone hearing. I was in the shower, crying quite hysterically when I felt that I wanted to hurt myself quite badly (at this point I'll mention that while I do sometimes feel this way, I do not actually participate in self harming activities). Scared by this thought, I removed anything sharp from near me, knowing I did not have the strength to retrieve it.
Upon turning the water off in my shower, I looked at my hands, and thought that they looked as if they were a shade blue. Suddenly I started thinking- quite irrationally- that I had killed myself, and that I was dead, but didn't know yet. I began to get very frightened and started to panic foremost that I had lost my mind but also a little because maybe it was true.
I was staring at my wrists thinking that any second I would be able to see wounds on my arms. I don't know how long it lasted, but something in my mind snapped and I jumped out of the shower and got dressed, and, being the big sook that I am (and scared to be alone), I crawled into bed next to my mother and didn't move for a good few hours.
This had never happened before and has never happened since, but it was a very frightening experience for me and one that I have had trouble ever talking about.
Any light you could shed on this would be greatly appreciated.

Answer from DepNet

Thank you for writing to us with your question. It sounds as if the experience you had was quite terrifying, but in fact it probably isn’t that uncommon and certainly isn’t dangerous. It was part of the as yet untreated anxiety and depression. If it hasn’t recurred, then it suggests that the treatment you are having is effective.

I would strongly encourage you to discuss this experience wit your doctor. You will probably be relieved with the response – they will have heard such descriptions before and won’t be horrified. It may be a useful extra piece of information for you and your doctor when you are planning ‘stay well’ strategies and thinking to the future about early signs that you are unwell. You will probably also find that speaking about it with a doctor you trust and know well who is helping to get you better, will likely take away much of the terror that the memory of this experience still holds for you.

You doctor will also be able to help you understand the event from within your own particular circumstances and your own experience of anxiety and depression. This can be very helpful.

I wish you well in your recovery, in staying well long-term, and in the work you are doing with your doctor.

The answer was published on DepNet 23/05/2008