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The question was submitted 16/05/2008

Subject: infidelity

How do you get over a one night stand that your husband has had when you were 6 months pregnant with my third child.
It was 10 years ago and every day something reminds me of it.
I guess I'm angry as he was my first and kind of pressured me into marriage. I loved him and still don't think I could find a better match for me although we really don't have anything in common except for the time we spend together. But had not had any time to really get to know who I was as a person. I had been extremely introverted and had just started speaking to people when I met him.
He had always been pretty selfish...spending all saturday playing golf in the morning and shooting in the afternoon, then fishing on sunday even after we had the kids and I told him that I needed help or at least to have him around to spend time with. He would have an afternoon sleep and then as he was really awake spend hours on pornographic websites in the evenings.
He was the one that contantly suggested we have kids and I was too young and broke to think about travelling or enjoying our lives as a couple.
He says that it wasn't my fault....blah...blah and we have a pretty good relationship now he does heaps for me and treats me with respect and like a princess.
I can't talk to him about it he just keeps on asking if I want to leave him and then won't speak to me as he thinks I'm angry but I'm sad. I can't tell anybody else as they will never look the same at him again. I feel so lonely even though I do have some good friends.
But I am still so sad and I don't know why and don't know how much time has to go by for me to forget that it happened.

Answer from DepNet

Welcome to DepNet and thank you for your letter.

What you describe seems to be anger and sadness about much more than a one night stand. So it is possible that you have focused on this event, but all the other unhappy and disappointing aspects of your relationship may be what is really keeping the hurt alive, especially if your husband is now treating you much better. In such circumstances it can be extremely helpful to see a therapist or counselor to talk things over and explore your feelings and thoughts around your relationship. In this way you may come to understand your own reactions better, and to see more clearly how you might deal with things. This might include coming to terms with the past, and dealing with what may well be almost a grief reaction about what you feel you lost or missed out on by being in this relationship… and sometimes it may also involve choosing to make some changes in the present or the future. Your GP can help you find the right person to see – this could be a psychologist, psychotherapist, relationship counselor or psychiatrist.

The answer was published on DepNet 20/05/2008