The question was submitted
25/03/2008
Subject: Past is taking over my future
I'm 15, and in year 11 at high school. When I was 13, I met a girl who I didnt really like, but really seemed to like me. I had no friends so I thought I'd just be nice to her. In the end, she became obsessed with me, and for about 18 months, she would not leave me alone. She'd pull my hair, hit and punch me,torment me (literally, I'm arachnaphobic and she used to get Black Widow Spiders on her hand and chase me with them),insult me all the time and embarrass me in front of countless piers...at the same time as totally adoring me; I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didnt really lke what she was doing. It turns out that she has High Functioning Autism, and since I've known that I got the school psychologist to have us in so I (with help from the psych) could tell this girl that I didnt really want to hang around with her. She came back the next day with cuts all up both of her arms.
She still talks to me, which I find really hard to deal with. I've been very depressed for at least a year, taking medication every day, and I see a psychiatrist who has helped me a lot but hasnt made me less down.
But my whole experience with this girl has made me very cynical, dark, unsympathetic towards others, appear to be very cold and insensetive, stop worknig at school (my marks have skyrocketed in every subject to about 15%, I used to be top of most classes without trying), and generally just hate people. On top of this about 6 peopel in my family have died in the past year. And though I wasnt terribly close to them, it's really impacted my family due to unresolved issues.
So pretty much, I'm just wondering what I can do to get over all these things that have happened, because at the moment I'm consumed by the past, and I'm destroying my future. (That girl is shadowing me everywhere!!!)
Sorry for writing so much but I thought my situation had to be properly explained...Thankingyou :)
Answer from DepNet
Hello and thankyou for taking the time to write to us.
From what you have said, you have experienced considerable loss and grief within your family setting, on top of a longstanding traumatic relationship experience.
Firstly, congratulate yourself on taking positive action and speaking to the school counsellor and a psychiatrist. This shows you have some insights into the cause of your current distress and have taken steps toward healing.
It's important to recognise too, that the pain of a negative relationship experience and the pain associated with grief, such as that associated with the death of a family member, will reduce over time. Many people who have experienced loss or trauma feel relieved, when they know that other people, who have experienced similar situations, found that the intensity of their painful feelings lessened with the passage of time. The anger and sadness you are experiencing may be part of a grieving process. Or these feelings maybe an unconscious way of protecting yourself from any hurt in the future. Generally as time moves on, these feelings tend not to affect us to the same degree.
Do not be too tough on yourself at the moment. Continue to share your feelings with your doctor and counsellor, and maybe a trusted family member. Sometimes, just talking things through can relieve our emotional burden. Continuing to take your medication as it is prescribed, would also be advisable.
Some additional helpful strategies might be to look after yourself in other gentle ways: do some light exercise that you enjoy (maybe swimming, walking, or a team sport), eat well, catch up with positive and encouraging people (possibly at church or sports that you are part of - or maybe consider joining if you are not already involved), spend time with friends doing pleasurable things (movies, eating out, just talking and laughing), get out in the sun or spending time in nature (parks, beaches). Just doing these happy things, can refresh our previous memories of joy and pleasure, and give us glimpses of a very positive future.
Another helpful stragegy is to have a daily routine to follow (including some fun things!) and a weekly schedule. This often gives purpose to a life, and when we achieve even small goals, we can experience a sense of satisfaction and wellbeing.
Stay connected to the people and things that help you feel loved and happy. We usually find that gradually, our sadness and disillusionment abate, and we can see the future as enjoyable and positive. I wish you all the best.
The answer was published on DepNet
31/03/2008