Mail box replies

The question was submitted 07/10/2007

Subject: Isolation

I am a person without any social contact I have no family, friends or even acquaintances. I am in my 50’s now and can’t say I have ever had a real friend, although people have come to me for help in the past and I have given what I could but as soon as they are sorted out they forget me.

I came from a background with little family and have had no contact with a biological family member for over 20 years and would not change that. I have lived in three countries, in Australia for 2 years. I came here alone and do not know anyone in this country.

Religion, especially the catholics, seem to be big in this small town and I am an atheist, something I would be very careful stating around here for a genuine fear of reprisals. I dared to ask why public council meetings open with a prayer to ‘almighty god’ the reaction to that was I was approached by a couple of councilors in a threatening manner, another catholic councilor e-mailed me warning me to be careful about upsetting the local.

Another local catholic wrote to the local rag informing everyone that Australia is a ‘christian country’ which is of course false, and suggesting people like me should go back where we came from. I didn’t know which was more disgusting her writing it or the local rag printing it, sadly I think she is very representative of the local population. Of course I never went to another meeting and, as she and her little gang, are prominent in everything around here that cuts me out.

Anyway I am sick and tired of being a person no-one cares about (except when I have my wallet in my hand) I am getting weird I think, I talk to myself a lot which worries me. I haven’t had sex or any form of physical contact in over 12 years and only rarely before that.

On the face of it I think I am more or less normal, not bad looking, I jog and I am fit, I can be funny, I consider myself intelligent, I rarely drink, I have never touched illegal substances and I am honest, I even like animals. Sometimes I envy drunks and criminals, at least they get attention and belong to a group.

I suspect there is little to be done but endure as no one is interested in life’s rejects. I do not expect a ‘cure’ but I wish I knew what was wrong with me that I do not fit in anywhere.

Answer from DepNet

Dear Isolation,

You describe a very long history of social isolation (unsatisfactory to you) and from your letter the most likely cause is related to the interaction between your personality profile and your environment.

This does not mean the problem is “your fault” since we have little choice what the Fates deal us in the personality department. It is almost certainly partly determined by genetics and partly by our early life experience. There are, however, things you can do about it and I’ll get to them a little later.

It is not possible to be certain of your specific personality profile from your letter and given the complexity of human behaviour most competent professionals would want to spend some time with you before making that assessment.

If you want to pursue this matter further I’d suggest you consult a psychologist or psychiatrist – preferably one with an interest in psychotherapy. It may help save time if you print out a copy of your letter plus this response to take to the first appointment. At the risk of pre-empting the person you see, most of us believe it is very hard to make fundamental changes in our long-term personality characteristics but it is certainly possible to identify and change self defeating patterns and behaviors.

The other possibility is that you have developed a depressive illness as a result of the social isolation and I’d encourage you to carefully consider any advice from a psychiatrist to take antidepressant medication as a part of a comprehensive management plan. Whilst it is unlikely to solve all your problems it really might help with some of them. Of course if you are not depressed in the medical sense of the word the doctor is unlikely to suggest medication.

The answer was published on DepNet 10/10/2007