In a kerbungle
A page in the diary "The Words Behind My Tears"
Written by kcdbooks 11. Jun 2005 01:46 PM
Deppies:
Things have been so confused lately. I am not sure whether my vague memories are real - whether the incident in the school sick bay was real or not, whether the nurse really did need to look at me, whether the bus driver was trying to look in. It was the smell of hot water bottles that triggered this memory. But I am not sure if it is real or not. I am so scared that I am going to find out more of this memory. I don't know if I can even trust myself. I can't fall asleep at night because I am worried of bad dreams and memories - perhaps this is only a dream?
Separately, I am so worried about my mother - she was driving me to work, and she was drunk. She was talking nonsense and her foot was heavy on the break most of the time. I was scared and frustrated. I need to rely on her for so many things, yet I am finding her so frustrating. I can't hug anyone in my family, except for my little sister, I can't trust my mother.
I want to know when this is going to end, when there is going to be a little bit of peace in my head, when there is going to be a resoulution. I am so afraid that there won't be a resolution, and I don't know how much longer I can keep going. Sometimes it is so hard to put on a smile and pretend that everything is ok, I am afraid that this is eventually going to cost me my friends, my job, my marks.
I had a good cry last night, and I thought about all the things that I have lost - why is it that everyone else is OK with change, but I can't seem to handle it.
I want to let all of the deppies out there know that there was a little tear or two for you - I am sharing your pain, and I hope that things become easier for you.
kcdbooks