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Tears

A page in the diary "The Words Behind My Tears"
Written by kcdbooks 2. Jun 2005 12:18 AM

Deppies:

I am not sure there is anyone who understands what it is like to live with an alcoholic parent. I have always managed to be "normal" and do well at school, in life, etc., but recently I have started to feel so out of control with my emotions.

I am so frustrated at my mother, who doesn't seem to remember anything I tell her. She won't remember when I need to be somewhere, or whatever - I wish she would just "tune-in" and get with it.

I have so many memories of the week that she tried to detox - I remember washing her shorts after she wet them during a seizure, I remember her scrubbing her legs with a sponge to get rid of the imaginary needles - in public. I remember her so confused because there was a "boat that had just run into the cliff". So many memories, all so painful, and my family doesn't want to admit any of them. I feel like crud at the moment, I wish that there was an end to this.

I also have been getting vague memories of the school nurse doing funny things to me when I was little - she said I had a "urinary tract infection" and that she had to have a look, although I don't remember her ever calling my parents. I'm not sure if this is related to any of my feelings, it is all so vague.

I feel like crying, like letting it all out, but I am afraid that if I do I won't be able to work or function.

I need to cry, I need someone to listen, to be there, to hug me and tell me it will all be ok. I am so worried that it won't be - and I don't know where I am going to end up.

There is a tear tonight for those who have some similar feelings - I am so sorry that you are suffering.

kcdbooks

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Comments from the community:

Hun, I'm so sorry for your pain

I too grew up with an alcoholic father who abused me. I know how u feel. U can't help them cos they don't wanna be helped, and you cant understand them, cos they dont talk to you.

Please cry, you said you feel like crying but it will get in the way of things. Hun, crying is the only way to let out anger/fear/frustration/hurt, when no one can help by talking.

I'd like to let you know that I'm ALWAYS here for you no matter what.

I wish you great love and strength in these hard times.

Take care
Lisa xoxox

Written by LisaE, 2. Jun 2005 01:06 AM

Sweety,
First of all I'll give you a hug and tell you that everything is going to be okay. It may not seem like it, but life can't all be this way...surely it can't. I feel so bad to hear about your upbringing. All I want to do is shower you in hugs and give you the care and understanding that you need right now.
Love from
-shakespearean

Written by Anonymous, 2. Jun 2005 01:48 AM

Hi KC!
My dad is an alcoholic and I hate him for all the horrid things he has done to me and my family and for the pathetic person he is. He lives a lie because he has lost touch with even a vague sense of reality. Im not sure with him if it is the alcohol because even when he gave up drinking he still was a revolting person.
I want to tell you that there will be an end to your current hell..you are an adult now and soon you will have your life completely for you to live your way. It is so hard realising your parent is never going to be a mother or father to you , especially when you need them!.. You just have to be a mother to your self sweetpea and ensure you have or build other supports...Like the lil community here!
xxx
Buckskin

Written by Buckskin, 2. Jun 2005 01:54 PM

Dearest KC,

I wish i could give you a BIG hug.

Just an idea...i wonder if AA has an off link for young people facing the same issues as your self. A support where young people can support each other,and understand issues that it causes family memebers.

Leave it with me sweet heart, i will get back to you.

I send EXTRA SUPPORT & LOVE always.

((((((((((((((((((((KC))))))))))))))))))))))))

"THANK YOU" so much for your support in my diary :)

Written by Anonymous, 3. Jun 2005 02:05 PM

Dearest KC,

I'm still doing research but haven't really come up with any thing that would be helpful to you.

Check out www.reachout.com.au

Sweet do you have a Doctor that you feel comfortable in discussing your Mothers issues with and how it is effecting YOUR health?.

I'm not sure KC, do you have a Psychiatrist or
Psyhcologist that you see?, that you could talk about such issues, including your recent vague memories.

Your in my thoughts KC.

MUCH SUPPORT & LOVE.

XOXOXO

Written by Anonymous, 3. Jun 2005 09:44 PM

Hey there Lisa, Shakes, Buckskin and Shelley,

Thank you all SO much for your comments - it is nice to know that there is someone there who is willing to listen and to *hug*.

Lisa, I am so sorry about your dad, and the things that he did. It is very interesting that you mentioned some of the frustrating feelings that we are both feeling - I wish there was some magical cure, but there isn't. Thank you for offering to be here and to listen.

Shakes: Thanks for taking the time to read a rather long entry, and to leave a little note - it always makes me feel better! Thank you for the care, understanding and hugs, they were all needed and appreciated.

Hey Buckskin, it sounds like you have a lot of the same feelings towards your dad as I have to my mum. I agree that it can be so hard to come to terms with thte idea that my mother will never be the loving mother I want to have. Thanks for your support.

and Shelley, thank you VERY much for all of the reasearch and trouble that you went to - it is SO appreciated. I will check out the sites soon. Um, there is a psychologist that I am talking to, although she is so focused on, "resilience" and "surviving" that I often find it hard to tell her about what is happening in my home. Also, I am afraid that she won't belive my vague memories - hmmmmm. Well, thank you for all of the trouble that you went to, and I hope that your lowered dose of meds is going well.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, everyone - you all put a smile on my face today!

Take care,
kcdbooks

Written by kcdbooks, 4. Jun 2005 11:33 AM

Thankyou for your kind words when you are suffering so much yourself. Just reading your entry made me cry, but this network is all about people listening. Here's a hug that wraps all around you and keeps you warm and happy. sleep well tonight.

Written by gidget, 10. Jun 2005 12:48 AM

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