Path to Nowhere
A page in the diary "The Words Behind My Tears"
Written by kcdbooks 7. May 2005 01:31 AM
Maybe you don't understand, but I lost my mother years ago.
Long before her alcohol dependancy became apparent, I lost my mother. The trust is gone, the sympathy is gone, I have nothing left.
There is nothing that will bring her back to the mother that I have always wanted. There is nothing that will bring back those nostalgic days of Kindergarten. There is nothing that will bring back the love that is supposed to be there.
Why? Why? Why? This is hurting your family - if you loved us you would stop. The bottle is more important than us, that hurts. You no longer seem to care about tucking us into bed at night, but rather when you will get your next drink. "Where are you?" no longer implies that you care about my wherabouts, but rather about if I am gong to see you take a slug of your poison.
I lost you long ago, and now it has become apparent. I have seen you drunk, I have seen you wet your pants, cry, and pass out. I have also seen you detox - and oh, that was hard. I cleaned you up when you wet your pants. I put you on the bed when you had a seizure, I calmed you down when you were hallucinating. Where did that get me? Absolutely nowhere. Here I am, writing this as you sit in your drunken haze, again.
I wish I felt something for you, but there is nothing there. Cold and hard that may be, but I can't take the pain that you are inflicting.
To all of those deppies who have lost someone long ago, but their body remains, there is a tear shed for you tonight.
kcdbooks