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Comments from the community:

Hey kcdbooks,
I'm listening and i'll allways be here to listen ok. I can see that there is alot of pain there. some which I can relate to, especially where no one else sees its hurting. When my mum and dad separated years ago when I was about 14 I think, mum became depressed and was practically bed ridden, I took over the motherely duties like cooking cleaning, looking after my younger brother and sister and of course looking after mim. I had to grow up fast and missed my child hood, I never went out with friends and made exuses why I couldn't go on school trips so as to save money and also so I could stay home and keep the house in order as well as do my school work. NObody seen how tough it was emotionally on me and jus ttook what I did for granted, there was never thanks, mainly complaints if I had a little stuff up. it's kinda a bit like that today still. So I guess I can understand to a point the hurt you must be going through, your mother seems like a tough person to deal with. I give you a lot of credit for being such a strong person though and being so caring and supportive of other people. You are a fantastically lovely person, and I just want you to know I see your pain and i'm here to listen any time as i'm sure other people on depnet are. Take care.
love em

Written by esp, 28. Apr 2005 12:20 AM

Hey there em,

Thanks so much: Isn't it nice to know that there is someone there who is willing to listen? There is so much anger and hurt - so much that I don't know if I can really feel it all. At the same time, all I can think of is that "its only alcohol" - no big deal. I just read something that said "don't trust, don't talk, don't feel" - these are the rules of an alcoholic family. How true these words ring - with all the questions of "why can't you talk to her", all I can say is "I just can't".

Thanks for your words of support, em. Sometimes its only a few words that make me realize that there are other people out there who understand.

Sleep well and take care,
kcdbooks

Written by kcdbooks, 28. Apr 2005 12:26 AM

hey kcdbooks
i dont know if i should just leave it and say my thought are with you or try and give you some encouragement. i think i will leave it but my thoughts are with you. things get hard but we seem to come out on the other side when it seems impossible. this is probably just another hurdle for you and im sure you have overcome so many already its sad to see theres another one there. i guess if you want someone to listen your writting it in the right place. how was your trip?? and thanks for the comment before i had a bath with candels and incense and lavender oils although i still can not relax it was nice to have some time out in a peaceful place. i think the voice is our own voice telling us not to give up may seem hard not to but if its our voice telling us that we are needed here for some purpose id like to think. hope things become a bit easier for you soon. thinking of you love manda

Written by mandoushh, 28. Apr 2005 12:43 AM

Hey there manda,

Sorry to hear that the whole bath thing didn't work for you - honestly, I find that sometimes trying to relax doesn't really do anything except get me more agitated - I guess I can empathize with you.

The trip was something that cannot be described - it was a trip so unbelievable that there aren't words to put to it - it was a life changing experience.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write something - it means a lot when I'm so low right now. I'm so empty - there's nothing left, but the questions keep coming. Sometimes, I'm just not sure how much longer I can keep going.

Thanks again and sleep well,
kcdbooks

Written by kcdbooks, 28. Apr 2005 01:05 AM

Hi kcdbooks,

I am here to listen. We all are.

Each time I read one of your entries I hear your pain & I think of something I would like to say to you but I don't say it (or write it). But this time I am... One day you will be old enough & in a good position financially to leave the house you currently live in & go and enjoy a more peaceful life.

Please understand that I am not suggesting you leave home now but maybe sometimes when you asked yourself "how much longer?" you can calm yourself with the knowledge that oneday you will have your own space where you can be yourself & you don't have to put up with so much negativity all the time.

I hope this comment doesn't offend you - it is only intended to give you some hope & let you see that although you don't deserve what is happening to you & you did nothing wrong, one day you will be able to change things a little if you wish.

Please take care & hang in there.
autumn

Written by autumn, 29. Apr 2005 12:02 AM

Dearest KC,

I send you extra LOVE,LIGHT,SUPPORT,STRENGTH&
HUGS.

((((((((((((((((((((((KC))))))))))))))))))))))

XOXOXOOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOOXOXOOXXOXOXOOXO

Written by Anonymous, 29. Apr 2005 12:58 AM

Hey there autumn and Shelley,

Firstly, autumn: Thanks you very much for your comment - it is so comforting to know that there is someone out there who reads these, and doesn't always leave a note. Thanks for taking the time to read them, and, today, for leaving a message.

One of my friends also said, its only a little while before you can leave home, just finish these next two years. Just get through this, and you can leave home. Well, I've been telling myself if I "just get through this" or if I can "just take one more day" it will be alright. I guess I lost it on Wednesday, when I realised that I still have many days, many months, and that even when I leave home the problems won't be gone.

Your comment did not offend me at all, so please don't think that. Some days I do question whether I deserve this, and some days I think I do, even if I can pretend that it will all be over soon. I also hope that one day I will be able to change things, but now the questionm becomes, "how" and "how fast"?

Thanks for taking the timw to write - it means a lot. Sorry if this is a bit confusing, sometimes that is just how it seems.

Secondly, Shelley, Thank you so much for always taking the time to leave a little not in my diary. It is so great to know there is someone there, sharing the journey, just there to listen, and to provide support. Thanks so much! It seems to me as if you are doing pretty well in recovery, how are things really going?

Thanks again autumn and Shelley,
kcdbooks

Written by kcdbooks, 29. Apr 2005 10:06 AM

Dearest KC,

Welcome back sweet heart :) I'm sure your holiday was AMAZING and you have many fond memories to treasure :).

You are so welcome honey :) I'll always be here for you. "Yes" we have shared our journey together haven't we?, i think it has been almost 12 months ( please correct me if i'm wrong) we have shared our ups and downs.

I'd like to also "THANK YOU" SO MUCH for your continued SUPPORT & LOVE :) it is so appreciated.

"Yes" "THANK YOU" KC my recovery has been steady and also a VERY EMPOWERING time in my life, thanks to a WONDERFUL team made up of my Doctor,Psychologist,Psychiatrist which i have been BLESSED with that have provided me with tools to be able to deal with my depression and adopt new skills that i use in all aspects of my life now. The most IMPORTANT tool and skill that has made such a POSITIVE impact in my recovery and life has been Cognitive Threapy,i can't rave about this threapy enough!! as you all probably have gatherd LOL :) And of course this site and this AMAZING community including your WONDERFUL SELF :) has played an IMPORTANT role in my recovery also.


I also have found reading has helped me educate myself about my depression. Reading has also lead me to a spiritual journey and i also believe that infact my depression has also lead me down that path of descovery and better health.

I still have an acassional down day, but now with all my learnt skills and tools i can rationally put these skills and tools to use.


"THANK YOU" KC for showing an interest in my recovery. Your a WONDERFUL and COMPASSIONET person. I wish you nothing but the VERY BEST in life, i wish i could stop your tears from falling. If i can make it through to the other side,i believe in my heart anyone can.

Hold tightly to HOPE KC, and don't let ANYONE take it from you.

With MUCH SUPPORT,HOPE,LIGHT& LOVE.

XOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Written by Anonymous, 29. Apr 2005 10:52 PM

Hey there Shelley,

Thank you for filling me in on how you are going. I am so glad that you are doing better - congratulations!

Thank you for letting us share this journey of yours, you have come so far.

Take care and all the best,
kcdbooks

Written by kcdbooks, 30. Apr 2005 12:21 PM

hey kcdbooks dont know if u will read my post or not and didnt really want to write it in there so im hoping you will read this and get it. just thought i would pop in and see how u were going uve seemed really down lately. i hope you bounce back soon. just the way you say your feeling hurts to hear another person hurt in the way uve explained. if u wanna chat or anything im here for you. i hope things get a bit easier soon. u said appreciate your as it gives you time to yourself if you cant escape from who ever is around you maybe go to a park or a walk and find some where and make it your own place even if a few people may be around strangers dont usaully talk so maybe it would give you a bit of a break and some time to some extent to yourself. i hope things get easier for you soon. love manda

Written by mandoushh, 4. May 2005 01:35 AM

Hey there manda,

Thanks for taking the time to write. Sometimes things seem so hard and unbearable, especially recently.

I have found that I've been really "antsy" and anxious recently - I never used to be this way. I'm having really bad dreams, and I can't sleep. I am always dreading the sun rise because that means another mornign that I have to get up and face life.

I'm so tired of things, the same questions are still there "how much longer" "why continue" "what is the point".

Thanks so much manda, for taking the time to "listen". It means so much that you care, and that there is someone there.

Thanks and take care,
kcdbooks

Written by kcdbooks, 4. May 2005 07:59 PM

hey,
maybe your getting anxios and "antsy" havent heard that one before heh i like it. cuz of not much sleep i know i get more anxious and dont deal with my feelings all that well when im not getting enough sleep. sorry to hear ur having bad dreams and stuff maybe visit your doctor and ask his oppion on it?
life is a never ending pain in the arse ive worked out heh. there may not seem much point but there are people who care about you theres meant to be a point in life im lucky with that one to some sense i think everyone is put on earth for a reason if it be good or bad but there must be a plan in store for each and everyone and i think you should stick around and find out yours is. things will get better seems from some of your diary entries the main problem is being at home one day that will change you have said it yourself. could you give up on everything knowing that once your out of home things will change and you dont know what into. giving up with a massive question hanging over my head dont think i could. although you may not see a future or anything because of everything thats going on im sure you will have a great one anyone that has gone through as much shit as you deserves it. :) if you wanna talk or ne thing my emails mandoushh@hotmail.com hope things start to get a bit easier for you soon.
love manda

Written by mandoushh, 4. May 2005 11:07 PM