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A page in the diary "The Words Behind My Tears"
Written by kcdbooks 13. Feb 2005 09:09 PM

All of this time, I thought that you would get better.
All of this time, I have pretened that it would all dissapear one day.
All of this time, I have watched you drink, and now I wonder if I could have stopped it.

All of the time, I ask myself, could I have changed the situation?
All of the time, I can't help but wonder if it is all my fault.
All of the time, I ponder whether things could be different now.

So many times, I ask myself, "is it my fault?"
So many times I wonder how long before you are gone.
So many times, I wonder what life would be like if I didn't live with you.
So many times, I wonder who I would be if I never knew you.

Your actions are so powerful, and you pretend to keep them secret, yet you and I both know what is going on.

Here I am, so powerless and helpless, left in the dark about how much longer before you are gone.

If I could chhange something, I would change the lives of all of those who live with mother's like you, because no one deserves this.

The silent tears, the heartbreaking actions, the many quiet times of reflection, where all I could think was, "if only....."

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Comments from the community:

Thankyou Dearest KC
oxoxoxoxoxoxxo
Thankyou thankyou thankyou.
I wish for you something wonderful and positive to happen for you to ease the pain a little.

Bless you Dearest KC and again... Thankyou..

Love from Image oxoxoxox

Written by image, 14. Feb 2005 12:45 AM

Hey there Image,

Thank you for your kind words. Have a great day!

Take care,
kcdbooks

Written by kcdbooks, 14. Feb 2005 07:58 AM

Hi KC,

I am so sorry that you have to live in this situation. I grew up with an alcoholic father (& no mum) so I no the damage it does.

Just know that i is not your fault & you couldn't stop it happening. I hope you find the peace you deserve.

And thankyou for writing in my diary - it helped stop the tears.

Take care,
autumn

Written by autumn, 14. Feb 2005 10:02 PM

Hi dear kcd
Was just able to go thru ur earlier entries too and im kinda able to understand the gravity of the situation u r in.it does feel bad...i remember how ur comment cheered me up the very moment i saw it...i feel that u r capable of being happy and make others happy too-it just requires that extra effort from your sweet self...
u know what...i just discovered theres this miraculous something called 'auto-suggestion'..im not able to say how well it wud work with everyone else but its definitely having some positive effect on me...say to urself that you are going to be better soon- see,there are so many ppl who wish well for u-so why shouldn't u be?
take care-sending you my prayers and wishes for a renewed 'you'
solitaryreaper with lotsa luv

Written by solitaryreaper, 15. Feb 2005 06:58 AM

Hey there autumn and solitary reaper,

Thanks so much for your comments, once again they made me smile. Still suffereing so bad, and wishing it would all go away.

Hey autumn, if we can stop each other's tears, than life will be much happier soon.

Solitary reaper, I think that your idea of auto-suggesstion is pretty cool, but often I really don't feel like I'm going to be able to get out of this. Anyways, will give it a try.

Take care everyone,
kcdbooks

Written by kcdbooks, 15. Feb 2005 05:27 PM

"Hi" :) KC

"THANK YOU" , "i send you MUCH SUPPORT & LoVe".

xo

Written by Anonymous, 16. Feb 2005 12:10 PM

Hey there Shelley,

have a good day!

take care,
kcdbooks

Written by kcdbooks, 16. Feb 2005 01:13 PM

Hi there kcd...take care...be careful not to spend too much of your precious energy and time focusing on the "what if's"...as it really serves no positive purpose for you and will only drag you down more...much better to focus on positive energy even though you may feel you don't have any or deserve any. This does take time and practice but the results are well worth your efforts.

More beneficial to you would be...
-I have done what I can to support you and care for you
-It is out of my control and I can not do any more without professional help and support
-I need to addresss my own issues and feelings which have arisen from this lifestyle
-I need to take care of my self first before I can continue to help others
-I need to accept that my mother will not change and so I need to change my thoughts about her, although I am disappointed and know I deserve more
-I can learn more about my mothers illness and try to understand it although I do not agree with it
-I need to spend more of my time around positive, nuturing people who will inspire me
-I need to let go of self blame and understand that I am in no way responsible for my mothers illness
-I need to accept that I need medical advice and support for my own health, regardlesss of what others believe
-I am independant enough to make my own decisions about my health without the need to confide in family members

Just a few thoughts to get you started...

Blu
xxx

Written by Anonymous, 18. Feb 2005 12:27 PM

Hey there Blu,

Thanks and smiles, happy weekend!

Take care,
kcdbooks

Written by kcdbooks, 18. Feb 2005 05:22 PM

If only you could see things from a different perspective, or if only something hadnt happened.. if only...

i'm sorry you arent very happy. Sitting from a position where I can't do anything to help makes me feel so helpless because I hate to see people in pain - especially people who have a good heart. things appear bad now, i dont know what to say to help, so instead i am sending my love and thoughts your way - know that people do care and think about you, even if we dont have a face.

your kind words have helped me so much and i only hope that our words do the same for you.

take care of yourself and take the time to smile everday... xo

Written by the_flirty_1, 19. Feb 2005 12:02 PM

hey there flirty,

Thanks so much!

I hope you start to feel better soon. It's so comforting to know that there are other people who feel the same way. Don't forget to really smile!

Take care,
kcdbooks

Written by kcdbooks, 19. Feb 2005 01:31 PM

hi kcd thanks for your welcome to the deppies site havent read all your entries but try to be strong .have a good week. bye 4now taa

Written by taa, 22. Feb 2005 08:35 PM

Hey there taa,

Thanks and no prob - I don't blame you for not reading all my diary entries - boriiiing.

Take care,
kcdbooks

Written by kcdbooks, 22. Feb 2005 09:17 PM

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