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Is there an end to anything?

A page in the diary "The Words Behind My Tears"
Written by kcdbooks 19. Dec 2004 10:12 PM

Hey there Deppies,

Isn't it so hard to believe that it is nearly Christmas? I am finding the whole "Season Cheer" a little lacking this year.

It's so hard now that school is over for the year. So, I see some friends, do some stuff...but yesterday was pretty bad.

A friend came over to my house yesterday, we get on like a house on fire, and I was having a really good time. Then she said, "my mum's put two and two together and has worked out that you're mom drinks". She went on to ask if dad could pick us up - it was no problem because I wouldn't get in the car with my mum anyways. But, then she went on to laugh about an, "emergency plan" that her family dreamt up, just in case mum picked us up. It went something like this: If you're mum picks us up, I'm supposed to say, "I forgot, dad is close by, he's going to pick me up. And then her dad was going to drive from her house (1/2 hour away) and, yeah.

I guess I'm just kind of shocked that the family worked out the stuff about my mom. It's hard to imagine what the conversation at their house would have been like.

The worst part is still to come: When we got home mum was sitting on the couch making lots of noise etc., she was tipsy, but not drunk. To me, it was a "good day", she was coherent, able to follow directions, etc. But to my friend, she was like "it's so sad, how do you do it, I can't believe it" etc. Dad was in a bad mood and so there was some tension between mum and dad and she picked up on that too.

Now, I'm kind of embarrassed. I'm not sure what my friend's mum really knows, and I'm not sure what my friend really thinks. I guess I should have known that after knowing someone for this long, they would work out that mum has a problem. It was so embarrassing for me, because my friend had to see and listen to it all, and she was like, "it's so sad", and to me, this was a good day.

I am so lonely and such as a result of this because I find it really hard to bring people back to my house. I can go out with my friends, but you can only spend so much time at the beach and the mall. So, perhaps I've learnt my lesson: the fewer people I get to know well, the fewer people that find out the "secret" and eventually hurt me.

I'm embarrassed, sad, lonely, and not sure what to say to my frined tomorrow. I almost want her to know that what she saw/heard was a good day and that I put up with that (and much worse) every day.

I can't help but look for a solution to the problem. The answer is that there isn't one. Talking to her is an impossiblity as it is a "family secret" and there is no end. I guess I find that part really hard. There is no end. There is nothing to look foward to, nothing to dream about, nothing to hope for.

If only these things would just dissapear.

kcdbooks

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Comments from the community:

It's a dificult situation, and I'm not going to pretend that I fully understand, because I've never really been in your situations. I still want to give you a few options to think about.

Maybe you could just be honest with your friend and tell her what's going on, and even admit your embarrassment. This depends how close you are to your friend, and what you feel comfortable.

Maybe it is possible to avoid the issue, and to go out or go to your friends place instead of them coming to your place. This may only last for so long, but may work until you feel like talking about it.

Depending on the time of day or night, catching busses may be a solution to the issue of who is picking you up.

It is hard when friends find things out that you wanted to avoid them knowing. I'm not trying to make it seem easy by giving a list of suggestions. I was just trying to give you possibilities to think about. I hope this helps.

Written by bush_baby, 20. Dec 2004 01:07 AM

Hi kcdbooks, I'm a new person to Dep (as you may have guessed). I do know what you're going through. My mum is also an alcoholic, she's had two serious car accidents this year alone which I (because I am studying law) am expected to clear up and make go away. It's also a family secret for me, and the few times I have dared to break the code I was...punished.

It's hard having to accept that there's nothing you can do, it's even harder when you wish that your mum was there for you because you need her (as I hope I'm not incorrectly imagining you feel).

There's nothing which anyone can say or do to make you feel better. I wish I could say there was.

Like Bush Baby, I'm having trouble knowing what to say to you. I'm hoping I'm not being too presumptuous.

But tell us, how did things go today? How are you? I hope that you are okay...I'll be hoping that today went okay for you.

Written by Elly, 20. Dec 2004 09:58 AM

Hello again kcdbooks. I had a brainwave at work.

With relation to your friend and your friend's mother, maybe write a letter and tell your friend's mother how you feel. That your mother's alcoholism made you feel ashamed and you were feeling a little out of your depth and would she please help you. I'm not sure how old you are, so I'm not sure if telling your friend would help...

Secondly, the way I came to accept my mother's alcoholism was that I looked through the Yellow Pages and looked up Alcohol and Drug specific counselling. It's more useful than any school counsellor etc. Ala-teen is another possibility. I benefitted more from the Alcohol and Drug counselling. There are free services offered by State and Territory governments, and it's confidential.

Hope this helps...

Written by Elly, 20. Dec 2004 10:57 AM

Hey, Elly's idea was a good one. If you ring up somewhere for alcohol and drug counselling, you will be able to talk to them about your problem annonymously, and your family doesn't have to know. You shouldn't even have to tell the counsellor who you are, but you can just talk about the issue.
All the best. Keep us posted on how you are going. Talking about issues sometimes helps.

Written by bush_baby, 20. Dec 2004 02:12 PM

Dearest KC,

There is an organization they mabey a good SUPPORT for you.

It's called Al-Anon family groups help line www.al-anon.alateen.org/australia (for friends & relatives of alcoholics)

PH-9642 3330


"KC i send MUCH SUPPORT and LoVe"

Written by Anonymous, 20. Dec 2004 03:04 PM

Hi KC,
Well I dont really understand your situation in that I have never had to deal with this sort of thing but I know that this is not something you should have to face everyday and I dont think it should stay a family secret if it is hurting the people involved. It sounds like it causes you great distress. So having said that maybe your friends mother may be a good confidant for you someone who you could talk to and by doing this you would not be the only one to get something from this because I think she could learn from such a thing. If she is not suitable than maybe someone else may be. You should not have to face this alone and you should not be the one who is ashamed your mum has a disease, and you have done nothing wrong. I send you lots of love and support and hope your christmas is at the least bareable.

Written by mum97, 20. Dec 2004 09:16 PM

Dearest KC oxoxoxoxo
Hello precious.:O)
You are not responsible for your mothers problems. You have gone beyond her limitations.

Have you asked her what she is running from? Why she feels the need the drown her sorrows?
Maybe it would help you to understand her.

I feel sad that your friend and her family have had conversations about your mother's plight...

This is a serious issue that is not to be taken lightly or joked about. This is your mother. Don't they realise that what they say about her will affect you???????

"we cannot whitewash ourselves by blackening another".....
I am happy that your friends family does not experience these difficulties..but it does not give them the right to joke and ridicule or gossip.

Please change your fellings of shame for compassion sweetheart. you will feel better..

None of this is your fault....

You are an invividual. You have the strength of your father's genes to counteract your mothers addictions.. You are strong KC.

You are beautiful person doing your absolute best for your happiness. Maybe it will rub off on you Mum.

Love you K.C

Written by image, 21. Dec 2004 03:57 PM