Is there an end to anything?
A page in the diary "The Words Behind My Tears"
Written by kcdbooks 19. Dec 2004 10:12 PM
Hey there Deppies,
Isn't it so hard to believe that it is nearly Christmas? I am finding the whole "Season Cheer" a little lacking this year.
It's so hard now that school is over for the year. So, I see some friends, do some stuff...but yesterday was pretty bad.
A friend came over to my house yesterday, we get on like a house on fire, and I was having a really good time. Then she said, "my mum's put two and two together and has worked out that you're mom drinks". She went on to ask if dad could pick us up - it was no problem because I wouldn't get in the car with my mum anyways. But, then she went on to laugh about an, "emergency plan" that her family dreamt up, just in case mum picked us up. It went something like this: If you're mum picks us up, I'm supposed to say, "I forgot, dad is close by, he's going to pick me up. And then her dad was going to drive from her house (1/2 hour away) and, yeah.
I guess I'm just kind of shocked that the family worked out the stuff about my mom. It's hard to imagine what the conversation at their house would have been like.
The worst part is still to come: When we got home mum was sitting on the couch making lots of noise etc., she was tipsy, but not drunk. To me, it was a "good day", she was coherent, able to follow directions, etc. But to my friend, she was like "it's so sad, how do you do it, I can't believe it" etc. Dad was in a bad mood and so there was some tension between mum and dad and she picked up on that too.
Now, I'm kind of embarrassed. I'm not sure what my friend's mum really knows, and I'm not sure what my friend really thinks. I guess I should have known that after knowing someone for this long, they would work out that mum has a problem. It was so embarrassing for me, because my friend had to see and listen to it all, and she was like, "it's so sad", and to me, this was a good day.
I am so lonely and such as a result of this because I find it really hard to bring people back to my house. I can go out with my friends, but you can only spend so much time at the beach and the mall. So, perhaps I've learnt my lesson: the fewer people I get to know well, the fewer people that find out the "secret" and eventually hurt me.
I'm embarrassed, sad, lonely, and not sure what to say to my frined tomorrow. I almost want her to know that what she saw/heard was a good day and that I put up with that (and much worse) every day.
I can't help but look for a solution to the problem. The answer is that there isn't one. Talking to her is an impossiblity as it is a "family secret" and there is no end. I guess I find that part really hard. There is no end. There is nothing to look foward to, nothing to dream about, nothing to hope for.
If only these things would just dissapear.
kcdbooks