unpleasant observations
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 6. Oct 2004 02:38 AM
i'm an observer- i can always detect people's true personalities and i know when people are lying or whether something is wrong with them etc. i constantly observe small details or large details and reflect on them or piece puzzles together. i'm good at that. i wonder what profession this skill would come in handy with? counselling? i don't think. i don't want to be a counsellor for others when i'm the one who needs the real help.
anyway moving on i've made some very unplesant observations lately in realtion to girls at school. people have changed incredibly, some for the better, others for the worse. the "worse" catergories of girls are those who i considered fun to be around but now i feel uncomfortable in their prescence. they're entirely wrapped up in their selves and guys and partying and being popular and bitching about others, though they weren't like this several months ago. socially, i feel like i don't fit in anymore, yet once upon a time- i was their leader. because of these girls i go to school with a feeling of confusion and dread in my stomach because im confused about how i should act or who i should be friends with and i'm dreading the woes of the day.
in the past, when i was having shit days i was able to get on top of things and promise myself that tomorrow would be better. now i just give up and convince myself tomorrow will be worse. i miss having that feeling of control and certainity about life and i want to desperately get these two elements of myself back.
i wish i could remember how i used to act last year and at the start of this year because then i would try to adopt this personality again. i was funny, i was loud, i was sociable, i was competitive, i was intelligent but careless, i was a smart arse to teachers, i was daring, i didn't care about what i looked like (becuase i looked good!), i was vivacious and charismatic and popular and above all else, kind.
this year i've become bitter and bitchy and take all my anger out on others by constantly bitching about them behind their backs. bitching won't win me friends... it will only lose me them so i have to stop this.things just feel so surreal!
i feel dread again. god won't listen to me, and i'm starting to give up.