recovering
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 4. Oct 2004 02:27 AM
well its school tomorrow and i don't know how i feel. excited? no. saddened? yep. disapointed? i guess. i'm mixed between so many different feelings. i wish i could just get a glimpse into the future and see what this term encompasses, that way i can make adjustments and have it suit ME not anyone else because i want to focus on ME this term. i want to make myself happy and in the process make others happy as well, but not always devote all my energy and attention to others.
im hoping to form numerous bonds this term and redeem myself. it's been a whole year and i don't feel like i've settled in. usually every year, i've settled in by 2nd or 3rd term but here i am at 4th term and i still feel like im on a rocky boat. there were times during the year when i felt content and popular... but i think thats all gone and if there were times i can barely remember the feeling.
this depression has overtaken my whole life. i'm shocked at how many things ive been deprived of because of it. here and there i find myself having suicidal thoughts but i take a deep breath and think "things will be better later on or tomorrow" and i prevent myself from everything. that's a step towards recovery i guess.
this term my aspirations are very high. i plan to:
* be funny and outgoing again
* be sociable and invite others out- people i dont normally go out with
* make friends with everyone
* not bitch about people
* not resent people
* talk to everyone
* smile and be happy
* build up courage for everything
* study hard and work well
* be popular
* act as a real class rep
* eat well and go to the gym regularly
* work more
* GET THE OLD KRISTINA BACK!
there's this really heavy feeling in my heart because i've realised i've lost my charisma and energy. i used to be such a colourful, funny person but i'm not anymore! that despairs me so deeply... i can't believe this! no more feeling sorry for myself. no more comfort eating. no more terrible thoughts.
I NEED TO WAKE UP TO MY SENSES AND RECOVER! AND I WILL! I WILL DO IT!