progress vs motivation
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 28. Sep 2004 07:11 PM
it's been 15 days since i wrote anything in here and i think in a way that represents progress in my condition. it means that in a space of 15 days i haven't felt utterly low and resorted to writing on this to get out my feelings.
i don't know why i'm writing now; perhaps because i feel a bit upset for superficial reasons. the first reason would be my hair which i got done yesterday and unfortunately the hairdressers completely stuffed it up and made it so short even when i specifically asked them not to. my hair makes me look young and hideous and i despise it in every way, and by the looks of things- so do my friends. i'm going tomorrow to get extensions and thats going to take a big fat chunk out of my bank account. oh well, at least it will supply me with temporary confidence... probably not.
the second reason to my unhappiness would be that last night i went to a club, and i still haven't learnt my lesson after the last time and thus was faced with an even larger disaspointment than ever. this time it was a different club and not one guy would go near me- not even the loser ones! i was slightly shocked and disapointed and realised it's because of my weight. every single one of my friends were twigs compared to me and guys were giving them lots of attention, even if some may not be as pretty as the others. it's all about body to guys this age. if i were to lose 20 kilos i would have a boyfriend by now. the shallow state of our age era is unbelivable but i can't talk either- i'm just as shallow. coming home with ugly hair and frustration made me feel gloomy and back to step one in my "depression" phase. i kept on looking at my wrists and envisioning unplesant thoughts but stopped myself in time. i don't want this shit again.
apart from the fact that my work has stopped giving me shifts, i'm almost broke, i'm chubby, have crappy hair, bad skin and a lack of social life- everything's dandy. not.
i've been eating less lately but it seems i'm putting on more weight than ever. i desperately want to go back to the gym but i feel so embarrased in front of everyone so i haven't been in ages and i know this is my only chance to really get healthy because in future my mum won't be paying for my membership and i can't afford to. hopefully if the extensions go well i might find some confidence to return but i doubt i'll work out good. i've been contemplating buying a treadmill, areobics ball and gym mat but with what money? i'm not allowed to go for walks by myself so i can't excercise this way. i feel restricted from excercise, how horrible!
i bought this book which records the journey of a woman losing weight. she used to be 109 kilos and dropped to 65 which i believe is fantastic. i want to lose at least 20 kilos and i'm about 70 at the moment which would make me 50 kilos, or perhaps 55 if i dont lose that much. i reckon that's an excellent weight. 70 is too much for a girl my age, way too much.
i can't understand how i can place my weight on the internet without feeling the slightest bit embarrassed but at the gym i'm constantly blushing and hiding or running away from people or guys i once knew. where did all that confidence go? last night when i was dancing i knew i looked hideous so i stopped. little things like this really get me down and prevent me from enjoying myself to my full potential. oh well, that' life i guess. a pretty crap life.
this site always gets me down and is like a constant reminder that i'm depressed and have to remain that way.
i don't wish i could be someone else anymore, but i wish i could make some changes and altertions to my appearance and life. i guess that can also be clarified as progress but there's only one problem in this "progress" concept; i'm not making action. i know i should but i'm someone who puts things off forever until finally one day i pick it up again and then forget about it once more. i'm very lazy and unorganised, not to mention unmotivated.
what a shame,
cristina