A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 14. Jan 2008 04:31 AM
it makes my stomach cringe to have read such a beautifully positive, amazing, motivated, progressive previous entry. it makes me shrink into my comfort shell, letting the darkness enclose around me so i won't have to face my shame, won't have to face the judgmental prying eyes, the disapointed voices, the reverbreating tones of 'she will NEVER learn.'
let me just grasp a recollection of the hazy past month and a half..
lasted a week in all my 'brave strength.' filipe not only did not contact me but managed to go out every night partying, in genuine celebration and happiness which tore me up. i on the other hand managed to crawl to the gym everyday after i stopped eating and cried miserably at nights into my pillow, only until one of my friends came over to whisk me away until i stopped. just like a baby i was. the other half of the week was spent crying incosolably at my sister's apartment. her fiance, i found, is suprisingly a beautiful person. he sat there, listened to my blubbering self, and offered me the purest and most beautiful advice. i have realised as much as i've never become close to him over the past 7 years, he truly is a wonderful man and i am so happy my sister found him.
what is really strange, is that aside from all the misery i experienced that raw week, i somehow managed to get closer to my family and friends i hadn't seen in a while. it felt like they were all SO RELIEVED to have me back. all giving me attention i hadn't received in over a year. it felt..refreshing. but not refreshing enough. you see the weak, selfish, self-hatred side of me won. again.
first there was calling him. then begging. then sobbing when he told me he didn't WANT or NEED me anymore.
then there was showing up to his work with lunch, having caught two trains and a tram, and asking to speak with him for which he set aside 5 minutes of his precious time- long enough to tell me he saw no future between us.
then of course..the sickness. literal sickness. i became so miserable and stressed it turned into bouts of nausea and anxiety and finally dizziness, faintness and vomiting.
then my doctor diagnosed me with some sort of immunal virus thing that's quite permanent and in a gentle voice informed me i should avoid all stressful situations. what was i to say? my abusive boyfriend of over a year decided- after i victoriously told him to FUCK OFF and then begged for him back- that i wasn't worth his time and i was less than dirt thus reaffirming how low i have acted and become since meeting him!
after a couple of days i think filipe found out how sick i was. i guess i assisted him with my crying and messages and pathetic desperatness. slowly, very slowly, he began inching his way back into my life. first out of pity, then noticing how i wasn't on his back anymore, wasn't fussy about who he spoke to- what he did or the fact he didn't regularly call me i think he began to LIKE me again.
after that i calmed down and we (and yes this part is fucked up) became good friends. i still love him im stil intimate with him and i still tell him everything. we see each other everyday. he sleeps over alot and the other night when i was in his arms he told me 'i really love you. i really love you like this.' ive got some great friends who are trying to prompt me away, trying to get me out there- to meet some REAL men but right now its hard. very hard. slowly, very slowly, im watching myself fall apart in tiny pieces again. drifting away from family and friends, silently.
i guess being around him is the only thing keeping me sane.
tragic how some women become so dependant on a man they literally give up their lives, their dignity, their self-love.
he paralyzed my growth.
he's paralyzing my growth.