OH TO BE FREE AT LAST
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 4. Dec 2007 04:14 AM
FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY!!!! THE FINALITY OF IT ALL!! i can barely type, I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this terrible, dark year has fallen into amazing perspective to me. after almost exactly one year of BULLSHIT i finally had the ability to say NO when filipe tried to crawl back. i finally had the dignity, the power, the STRENGTH to tell him MY REAL FEELINGS. not just words that would make him guilty, words that would make him crawl back- BUT THE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT!!!!!!! I TOLD HIM HE WAS UGLY, HE WAS EVIL..HE WAS NO ONE WITHOUT ME AND WOULD AMOUNT TO NOTHING!! AND HE'D LOST SOMETHING SPECIAL, SOMETHING AMAZING BECAUSE OF HIS SELFISHNESS! this weekend has been like a catalyst of positive energy. i told all my family and friends, i deleted and threw out everything to do with him; i realised he was pathetic- quite a joke really. i have some great friends who make me laugh about the whole thing. im ready to give myself a second chance, ready to show the world (and my inner me) THAT I AM BRILLIANT! THAT I AM POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE! THAT I CAN ACHIEVE SO MUCH AND GIVE SO MUCH LOVE AND KINDESS TO ONLY THOSE WHO DESERVE IT!!! i plan to establish my own business, develop my career, get in great health, meet new and beautiful people and focus on the family and friends who genuinely care about me. what the hell have i been thinking wasting a precous, RIPE year of MY life on someone who is incapable of seeing outside his thick skull and who sees only ugliness in such a beautiful landscape. the landscape called life.
sure dark times may be ahead, but i think the weakness filipe has subjected me to this year has given me the prospect of strength and survival amongst a world which ironically is as wonderful and bright as ever.
how did i snap out of it? self-love. it took a while (feels like a century) but i learnt i loved myself more than anyone in the WORLD and because i loved myself its time to divert that positive, loving energy to things that truly matter- my future and the LOVED ones in it. nothing less.
au re voir!!!