growing up
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 14. Nov 2007 10:37 PM
throughout my whole life, while i have always acted and thought maturely for my age, i have constantly seemed to halt the process of growing up. now as i reach the age of 19, this quality has intensified but due to the events of the past year, i am starting to realise that it's time to stop. that it's time to grow up.
for so long i have wanted to get these words out, to tell someone at least, but i always told myself it was too trivial, no one would want to hear what i had to say. well at least i have this 2 turn to, at least i have this.
for a little over a year my world has revolved around a guy who has become a permanent character in all my entries. filipe. i think, growing up, the behaviour of my mother really rubbed off on the way i viewed relationships and men and so it almost seemed like i was embodying these experiences in regards to mine and filipe's relationships.
my mum and dad, since i was little, have never got along. my dad, an arrogant, controlling, chauvinist has always maintained an authorial presence in our house. i remember he would always scream at my mother, calling her names like fat and ugly and useless, ignoring all the beautiful things she really was and how hardworking she could be. he would reduce her to nothing, making her cry constantly and be too weak to get out of bed sometimes (for which he would torment her further). now, at 52, my mum has become bitter, cold and extremely negative. her days are spent serving my father, constantly reminding my sister and i that we should move out and working hard. its tragic to see, i miss her motherly, loving characteristics and it crushes me to know someone else has made her like this. i recall after their giant arguments, for which my father would sometimes turn violent or take his anger out on me and my sisters, my mum would always be nice to him the next day no matter what, trying to resume normality, trying to make things bearable for herself and the family. she would always talk of leaving, but she never has. she worked hard in their joint business to put me and my sisters through school and she is still working. i love her alot but i dont speak to her lately. she has become my father's robot. he has brainwashed her to stop contacting her brother and sister and cut off all contact with her friends as well as turned her bitter towards us. i dont know how he did it, but that's what happened. it makes me ill inside.
now, in my own relationship, my actions reflect that of my mother's. when filipe yells at me or turns aggressive, i am always nice, i am always begging for him to calm down. at my bravest times i will run from him or not answer his calls, but i become weak inside and allow him back into my life, buying him things or paying him compliments to show that i still love him and i just want to make things right. ironically, he doesn't do the same, treating me even more horribly than before. sometimes i ignore it, other times i lie in bed for hours crying, the covers over my head. i feel like he has inflicted so many restrictions in my life that i only have a couple of real friends left, no one else. my life has been emptied out by this one, cold guy. i barely communicate with my family or friends, i rarely communicate with him lately, though his overbearing presence is always lingering. im just in my own little cocoon, too weak and afraid to come out.
in the past two weeks i have been working mornings to night to get my mind off everything. i come home, eat and sleep and block my life out. when i get paid i spend my money on useless items then i am broke for a week. i dont do drugs, i dont drink alcohol..none of that, im just drifting in this empty life, allowing myself to become less and less of a person, erasing the past from my mind, forgetting the brightness that was once there.
slowly though, i feel like its time to grow from this. let all the bad things go, and not necessarily start afresh, but build on the positive things in my life and redevelop the rest of it.
everyone is strong, and i know deep inside i am too. i just need to recognise it, and use it to my potential to make my life good- for myself and myself only. i guess now ive realised i dont really care if i have a man or not. what's the point of being with someone who makes me feel lonely and worthless? a guy that loves himself more than he does anyone? there IS no point and what matters right now, on this day is ME.
im not 16 anymore. im basically classified as a young adult. i have an education awaiting me! a course which i got into MYSELF, without the help of anyone. i have new friends to make, current friendships to build on, a mother to reconnect with, sisters to love again, a job to work hard in and a body to transform and all these things are easily achievable. the things that make them seem difficult, are the things that need to be eliminated. for good.
this year, while i think i have remained young and made some awful decisions, i have also begun to grow. i hav seen the dark side of people, learnt things about myself that i am ashamed of with but choose to make better. i have realised who my real friends are and who truly loves me and these lessons are more than enough to guide me. as for where i belong, thats something that i need to work out, as i try to recreate my life the way I want it to be..