powerless
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 28. Oct 2007 02:38 PM
there have been considerable dark times in my life, very considerable. but looking back, it seems those times i had the power of control- the power to pick myself up and perservere through the unclenching hardships that invaded my entire life. there was always this tiny light that would peek in through the darkness- a sliver of hope perhaps - reminding me i was able to exit the mess, exit the pain, and make the right choices.
retrospectively, it seems, no matter how many times i saw that light, no matter how many times i admitted to myself that there was an opportunity to make things better for myself, i never EVER tried hard enough. consequently, my emotions have deteriorated to the point where i am permanently miserable and negative and the bubbly, ambitious, shining young girl i was at one point has diminished into a dark, insecure nothing.
its days like this, average days that comprise no conflict, that it makes me realise how truly far i have sunken into my black hole. its strange though- shouldn't these be the times when i happily reflect on my happiness? shouldn't these be the times where i go about running errands, catching up with friends, helping out here and there or working for money? rather, i have allowed myself to become entwined in a web of sadness
--
that was 3 hours ago. im not sure how im typing this, my hands are shaking. my 'father' walked in the room and began screaming for me to make use of myself. the screams turned into sbuse and then physical. i screamed back and then in a hysterical tantrum began throwing everything all over my room and breaking down locking myslef in still he scream to the point where i felt i was having a heart attack now i dont know wat to do or sya. my wolrd is against me there is no point beign here ive lost