disapointment
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 7. Sep 2004 10:25 PM
as much as i try to redeem myself or mend some of the problems in my life, i still receive disapointment and a sense of failure. i was on the phone to my friend before and i felt cheerful, full of good resolutions for the upcoming holidays. we were talking happily then suddenly i was cut off mid way as she answered her mobile and spoke to her boyfriend. so being the person i am who always lets others get their way and never stands up for myself, i said "it's okay, i'll go now... i have homework to do anyway" and we hung up. but my words had an opposite effect on me. i felt abondened, lonely, betrayed and so bloody angry and for such a tiny issue too. but i guess its the smallest things in life that can have the largest impact. so that's that. i've tried writing her letters hinting how i feel, talking to her, calling her- but it's all to no avail. she is too devoted to this boyfriend of hers and i will always be the last priority in her life. im always the last priority in everyone's life.
i've had so many issues with friends this year. last year, it was i who controlled friendships- i who everyone followed and considered leader. this year... ive sunken deep into the shadows and ive tried to escape but i CANNOT! and all my entries are evidence of that. every bloody one of them. at the beginning of the year i was sort of normal i guess. i made an effort with everyone and felt that strong sense of leadership that had followed me from the year before. and now as terms have gone by ive reached an ultimate low where im lost, and remain on the outskirts of school life and in the dregs of family life. everything ceases to be normal. my whole life feels like its collapsed and is on the brink of becoming worse, if that's possible.
in a way sometimes i feel like these entries make me feel even more depressed because just knowing that i'm typing journal entries on a "depression" site makes me feel sterotyped into that catergory and i dont want to be depressed or different from anyone anymore i really dont. then i again from these entries i have gained solace and a type of strength that i know will gradually emerge as things clear up- which i sincerely hope will happen.
today at lunchtime i tried to sit with a group of girls that i used to sit with but they were all so intimidating to me... i felt quiet and unimportant and so i simply walked off from them and went to another group who too ignored me. it's so ridiculous. i feel like all this bad energy surrounding me is suppresing my voice and personality so much more as each day passes. and the worst pain of all is seeing friends priortise you last, and put everything else before you when you are more than willing to sacrifice everything for them. i feel like ive lost many friends this year- no i know i have lost many friends, and on top of this i've had a very traumatic family life to deal with and both issues combined have proved distressing on me. i've lost my sense of self-worth and have instead developed an attitude of self-hate for myself. i've even failed in my work life- constantly making mistakes, stuttering to customers. so if every aspect in my life is malfunctioning in some way then is there one aspect which is untouched? no. nothing i can see. because ive lost my skills too. ive lost my writing skills and my passion for english and my passion for school, if anything. and ive lost my zest for life and my bubbly nature and my confidence. and instead i've adopted a hatred towards life, a despondent nature and low self-esteem. i hate confronting these issues because i've done it so many times and nothing has helped and shouldnt confrontation be the key out of all this mess? yes, confrontation and battling the issue would probably be the best source of escape yet when it comes to battling- whose got energy for that?
not me. surely not me.
i want to be funny and crazy and a smart ass to the teachers, but then again i don't want to sacrifice my slowly-escalating grades all for a sake of popularity. i want to be social, rebellious and fun but then again i don't want to always have to fight with my parents to gain this independance. i want the whole world to love me and i want to love the whole world but then again i dont want to be punished for being selfish which i believe is what is currently happening to me. i was the legend, now i'm the loser- and what hurts the most is knowing that no friends are there to pick me up off the ground and help me. no one. so maybe last year was just a giant haze of superficiality and no one really liked me- i was just entertainment to them? or they were waiting to just brush me away when i wasn't funny or rebellious anymore. and surely, you'd think that after 4 years being with these girls at an all-girls school that i'd have at least one friend who would be faithful but no, i don't. and i think loneliness is just the worst feeling in the world. fair enough to be hated, but to be lonely? it's like a form of torture. a posion which rades your body and dominates your mind and makes you feel a resentment and a deep hatred and so very selfish towards everyone and everything.
i just want to be free, and loved again.