scars
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 27. Aug 2004 01:05 AM
they're so vivid, so distinct. reminders of saddening pain
it began today. it travelled back earlier this morning. my morning was average, though i remember fighting with my mum in the car as usual and her words pierced my flesh. they always do. they just hurt... simply hurt.
then first period. i had a literature essay. i went well, though got some of the concepts mixed up. nevertheless- its the best i've written all year so if i don't get an A+ i'll be devastated.
recess i felt lonely. one of my close friends, sara, wasnt at school so i barely spoke to anyone, just dwelled in my misery.
2nd period- food tech. lay my head on the table and had my friend draw on my hand, a comforting sequence.
3rd period- the whole year level got to watch a movie... when i went to sit down with my friend she hurriedly ran to my other friend and thus i was left alone sitting next to people whom i barely see at school, let alone speak to.
lunch- the movie went on till lunch
last period- concentrated on my art work, barely did anything.
after school my sister drove me home but she acted horrible to me. i hated her before.. my blood pressure was rising and everytime she said something cruel and uncalled for . i sat there and remained quiet bottling in all my emotions as usual.
when i got home i asked my mum to take me to go check my work shifts... she said no. i asked my sister... she also said no. for some reason i felt a sense of failure and sadness from this rejection and i crawled into bed and read a book, getting lost in another world beyond my own. i fell asleep shortly afterwards and woke disturbedly an hour later. i awoke to yelling and screaming from my sisters and parents. when i walked in it was like the spotlight had been turned to me and suddenly i was the blame for something, i can't even remember what but it was an unjust argument and i was the obvious innocent victim yet was used as the "scapegoat". to drown away my misery i went back to my room and continued reading my beautiful book. i finished the last pages and kissed the covers because it's kept me sane throughout this rough time. when i closed it, it was as if i was closing away my sanity, and letting loose my miserable instability.
anyway mum finally agreed to take me to get my work shifts and in the car we argued and argued. i told her that i hated all my friends and didn't talk to anyone any more and her only reply was "oh no, not another miserable case! first your dad, then your sisters- now you". her only answer. i felt like throwing up. on the way home i was telling her... or more yelling how i hate our family and hate the way i've been raised and despise thinking of my childhood- violence, fights, bitterness, lack of communication overrule all the good memories. i feel so suffocated and trapped in these family regions when really i should be feeling comforted. god it is so straining on me.
today all i felt was so much heavy misery. no one will understand it. it was like a hoplessness- every now and then i would sit there, tears welling in my eyes and realise that i'm waiting for someone to help me and change my life. god perhaps? no one is listening. no one. i've entered a new stage. a stage of acceptance that my life won't ever change. because if it was possible, then shouldn't it have changed by now? stuff the quote "learn from your mistakes" stuff that shit, i've made alot of mistakes but im not learning anything. just reamining here. when will this all stop. when i grow up? i can't handle these constant pangs of sadness... this continuum of misfortune. within my family i feel depressed and stressed but i can't change those circumstances either. today in one of my classes someone mentioned how parents dont listen, they wait. they wait for their kids to grow up and be normal and independant. well most parents. my parents are doing the same thing. waiting till i grow up and dont need them for advice any more even if they dont supply it now. why? WHY?
mum please! please please please talk to me because i need you so much now, why won't you speak to me? why did you tell me you hated me? i've cried, i've yelled, i've threatened to commit suicide but you've ignored me. what do i have to do mum? how far do i have to go to seek your help... your love... your support? this is not a "puberty" stage because i feel the pain. it's so vivid, so violating in my body... it stalks me... it's my shadow. it's me. i am my own source of pain, thriving on the negative influences around me. mum you should know that i'm maturer than you think. you should know that i'm not the typical 15-year-old... i dont think like a 15-year-old. i feel so much older... so much wiser and you know it. you bloody know it. and if i'm not a typical 15 then surely you can understand that my feelings have not stemmed from my "adolescent stage". they're real mum. they're real. and unless you help me, they won't go away. who can i speak to when the whole world's shut themselves on me? i've tried counselors... i hate medication... i don't want to leave home. so what do i do?
i am so depressed. the words are so basic but so severly true. i am so depressed and i know you can't handle this at the moment but why did you become my mother in the first place? why? you can't just give us your support once a year or when you feel like it... it has to be constant otherwise we're all going to go insane. i'm going to go insane. i'm so lonely, so crazy, so sad, so heartbroken, so lost. help me mum. i need you.
i've attempted so many times to get your attention... god, i've even confided in you my deepest darkest feelings and what do you do- go tell dad and let him take everything out of proportion and use it against me. how could you. you promised! you are both so cruel sometimes in your words. i know you dont hate us but you act like you do just for the satisfication of him. i can't believe you made me kiss him goodbye before he went away... i spat afterwards. i spat hard. because i felt sick. it's like kissing the enemy. i wish he wasn't the enemy but he is. and i don't want you to be another one. i think of you, mum, and i think of chaos and conflict and never-ending miseries. you dont provide me with solace nor comfort, just pain. and that's unfair. i'm your flesh and blood- how can you do this to me? you never have time for me, you always blame me, you always put me down, you hate me so much. and why? because im depressed? because im not happy and bubbly like i should be? because in the mornings i hate the thought of getting up and going to school and you know im depressed but you just interpret these action as a sign of me being a "lazy, late slob". you think that always giving me money will make me happy? it won't. money can't buy love or friends and family. and at the moment i have none of these.
yet again, i am alone and helpless.