changes
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 25. Aug 2004 09:19 PM
things have been resonably brighter lately, i guess. sometimes i get bouts of sadness but they dont last long. i've been to the gym 4 times so far and i've done ALOT of excercise. i can already feel the muscles forming in my legs yet i haven't attended many times.
though im regaining my fitness, i still consume large amounts of food whenever i get the chance. food is still my refuge but i'm not as obsessive about eating as i was before because i feel better about making changes to my body.
something i've noticed alot lately is my face; i really despise it. and the only way i feel its going to get better is if i grow my hair long and if i lose weight and eat healthier so my skin will become nicer and my face won't be as chubby. ugly looks are a burden. people tell me that im pretty but i never believe them. it's impossible to believe them because what i see in the mirror is the truth and the truth is not good at all.
friends are the same. i only have relationships at school and outside of school i dont have any. other than elli, but she's only calling me lately because she wants me to help find her a formal dress. i hate users. but she's genuine- i think, i hope.
there's another friend who i resent very deeply at the moment. her whole life is wrapped around herself and her boyfriend and she doesnt care for me. so i dont make the effort with her. what i've noticed is that when i dont make the effort with people they barely ever make the effort with me. perhaps i should start making an effort ???? if i do.. will i get what i want? friendship? true friendship? i think i contribute quite alot to the negative side of my life. today i remember a girl, dee, came up to me and started talking and because i know she's popular and she talks to sum of my clsoe friends and they love her i ignored her and turned away. ITS ME! fuck i've realised it. its me. MEMEMEMEME! i have to stop this. i have to. its me. im such a snake. a bitter bitch.
time to bloody change