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relieving dream

A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 8. Aug 2004 03:46 PM

when i think of elli i feel uninhibited... i feel wild.. i feel comfort... i feel happy. to be seen with such a beautiful looking girl is simply a gift. i feel less ugly, and more powerful. isn't that such a shallow thought? but thats not the only reason why i adore her as a friend and cousin. i adore her because she's just so... different from the others. from my friends. she's independant and walks down her own path, and selects which travellers to take. unfortunately, when she gets sick of those travellers she tends to leave them behind. im one of the most obvious victims in this situation.
i had a dream of her last night which evoked my feelings of grief for her friendship. i dreamt that her boyfriend dumped her and she came back to me. she actually came back to me. it was the most beautiful feeling in the world, rekindled friendship. not being lonely anymore. then i woke up and knew it was all a dream and a knot formed in my stomach and a lump formed in my throat and i wanted to vomit and cry and scream all at the same time but i just lay there helplessly. story of my life.

what the hell has happened to me?

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Comments from the community:

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...
What you see in other's you too possess.
Elli is your mirror. What you see in her, you will find in yourself. Beauty, wildness, power, independence. Take no prisoners.

LOve From Image 000xxx000

Written by Anonymous, 8. Aug 2004 04:13 PM

Cristina you also possess all these wonderful qualities, i know this because i believe in you, and know what a beautiful & wonderful person you are through your words.

" I send MUCH LOVE & SUPPORT " XO

Written by Anonymous, 8. Aug 2004 07:53 PM

Dearest Christina,

I hope I get this out right, (you may remember I left a message for you letting you know that I was once an "Elli" earlier in my life)it will come back and hit her in the face.. and she will miss you and regret how she has treated you, believe me. You sound like a wonderful friend and good friends are hard to find. She may not even know that she is doing this to you, by being self absorbed in her own life - she will have to face this demon herself later on.

I get the feeling when I read between your lines that you think that you are nothing without Elli. YOU ARE SO WRONG! I have only read a couple of your entries so far and you come accross as a compasssionate and thoughtful beautiful person. As I have grown older I have noticed that these qualities are really REALLY hard to find in people.

But..
On the other hand I can completely relate to your feeling of loss, betrayal and rejection and it is not abnormal or wrong to feel that way (My partner cheated on me, I experienced it in person). I felt all of those and didn't think I was worth living anymore. I just cried & thought of ways to somehow get him back and constantly questioned why life had to ruin my relationship. All I wanted was to have my old life back. I was even prepared to take back my ex and just pretend it didn't happen. But then he did it again. Its a comfort thing for me I think. I felt like a no-one, a nothing. I only felt like someone when he was around.

Written by Sarah22WAperth, 8. Aug 2004 11:38 PM

It has taken me over a month to realise that I was living my life through my partner (we were living together for 2.5yrs).. and that some things happen for a reason in life. NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU HATE IT!! No matter how painful it feels now, with the right support you will get through this and be a happier stronger person. Depnet will help. There will be an upside of this terrible experience that you are going through.. I trust that this will happen when you can let Elli go (as hard as it may seem & sound I believe YOU CAN do it with the support and some time), if she is a true friend she will come back, and YOU will be the beautiful looking girl that she feels gifted to be around.

For me, I had to find out who I am by spending some time on my own (one of my greatest fears in this world!!! I really thought I hated it) and now know that I only really felt alive when he was around. I am starting to try and change my ways to see my beauty also.

I wish you could see through my eyes your beauty.

Goodnight and goodluck sweetie,
from Sarah

Written by Sarah22WAperth, 8. Aug 2004 11:39 PM

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