dying
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 8. May 2007 09:49 PM
wrote this tonight. want to send it to him. just cant.
***
something very awful happened tonight. it finally hit me. what we've been talking about for so long remember? that one day, all the conflict and pain of our 8 months together would one day strike me in the face when i least expected it.
it was worse than i thought.
i shouldn't have been on msn, should not have been looking for anything. but it was all there. unblocking kat, her speaking, me blocking and deleting her out of fury and then suddenly crying in anger and then screaming and throwing things and not being able to breath because i remembered everything, absolutely everything that's happened. chantelle's, the beach, you speaking on the phone to steph constantly - me acting oblivious .. refusing to believe the truth, every night going to bed wondering why you didn't love me the way i loved you, the names, the aggression and then i foudn out about the cheating, and that killed me, i died that night i really did, every single day and night since crying so much and hurting , the pain so explicit.trying to hurt myself over it all to numb everything. that was the worst part of it somethinug u never knew somethign that always makes me cry, and hearing the other girl cry as well always stays in my mind she was so hurt i was heartbroken and i didnt think anyone else could feel it how could you do it to us. found out more things , the way you had been for months to other girls. that day, both of us crying and screaming, me hitting you so hard and just being in a weak mess because i was so so hurt. then new beginnings, new empty promises. i tried to believe, i stopped going to uni because i didnt want to face anything alone , in class, without you in my proximity. my family, friends, everyone worrying, crying for me, upset for me.. i stopped eating like at the beach that time , i stopped feeling or thinking, i wanted to die mostly , you going to the club laughing n playing around with your friends while i lay in bed eyes open in terror unable to breathe while you were rejoicing, celebrating, i suffered over and over . then finding out abotu kat..then kristen.. my lungs caving in, couldnt breath hated myself and you again. it was a cycle, going to bed at nights wondering why i deserved this. wanting you to change, telling everyone you had , knowing to myself you hadnt. making my family, my friends think you were amazing, and you were you are at times, but then faced with your constant bitterness and anger, hanging up on me, making me cry so much i was weak and in the mornings i couldnt go to uni, couldnt face the day. trying so hard, buying you small things, doing your uni work, complimenting you, making efforts for you, but always failing in your eyes. you always telling me something was wrong, never letting me forget. ive come to believe it, ive come to hate myself. and then being reassured by your hugs and kisses and love AFTER everything had died, never during or before but AFTER when the pain had done more damage then i could imagine. then the weekend, knowing you were up to something, knowing you were out to get revenge, writing messages .. lying about it, it didnt matter what kind of content, you still did it. me finding out and feeling suddenly like my eyes had opened, i had woken up, i could breath, it was all evident - you would never stop these games, never stop abusing my trust. then my heart holding onto you, fear of letting you go, of letting my love and care just disapear, wanting to change you, impossible.just impossible. and of course the same mindless, zombie, sad feeling. theres so much more, so much more, but too weak to speak of it. then today. i cracked. it all fell on me and i was at my most vulnerable, for hours. screaming, screaming and crying. from my heart. ive become so sick because of you.. not letting my family in the door.
and then silence.
im going, im leaving you behind. leaving this nightmare. i once thought it was only natural, this so-called 'love', your cheating, your anger, our arguments, you treating me like an animal constantly in front of everyone. now realise, it was simply a self-made disaster. im healing myself, forever disposing of the pain and the mess you caused for both of us, more hate than love, more sadness than happiness. time to go.
i am free