thoughts
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 2. Aug 2004 02:25 AM
alot of the posts ive read in my entries and other entries are very philisophical and have made me realise how talented and creative everyone is on this site. ive read so many brilliant notions about life, love and relationships, so many thoughts-of-the-days, so much handy advice and so many intellectual comments. i think in a way this site is for most of us to release the inner talents that we posess whatever they may be, and for many of us, writing is one of these talents. for me, i used to consider myself an excellent writer, but now i feel that my writing at 11 years old was better than now. now i have no talent, but in a way i think, i hope, im evoking some talent by just writing these entries. i hope.
my father returned early from his little "holiday". we're on brief speaking terms. he feels guilty about what he did i can tell because he bought me a mirror for my room. no gift will compensate for what happened last week. i was mentally and emotionally drained, not to mention physically harmed, so how dare he buy me this gift and simply assume that everything is dandy- its not.
i didnt join the gym today (suprise, suprise) and i think my putting it off represents my inability to break away from this stage. im still stuck in a rut, and the day i actually join the gym will be the day that i take one foot out.
my entries are so fluctuating.. so different each time, but i guess thats how my life is. rocky, uneasy, barely calm. its like a big black boat on choppy waters, not knowing when it will reach golden land. metaphorically speaking.
ive been doing a lot of basic homework lately, and avoiding major projects. its like my life. ive been taking basic steps, and avoiding the major issues. a lot of the simple things in my life are actually representing how i feel. for instance, many photos that i have seen of myself from friends' parties are absolutely hideous and i actually see myself as uglier than i imagined. its a sequential pattern- literally every photo has been very ugly. my facial expressions are hideous; i consider myself to be the ugliest girl at my school. i think i literally am. how horrible! anyway these "ugly" pictures represent my insecurity and "ugly" stage at the moment to which everything seems ugly in my perspective... myself, my family, my life etc etc.
another comparison with simplicity to the "big picture" is my habits lately. very slow, very lazy, very sad. thats my life. slow, lazy, sad. it seems to go slow but really time is racing by and im forgetting that its raced by and thus continuing with my slow process. today i did nothing, just moped around, eating and doing homework and by the time id actually opened my eyes it was night time and id forgotten all the little details of the day. thats my life- waking up to myself too late. im scared that when i do break out of this terrifying stage that it'll be too late to do anything and i'll just sink right back into it. im really scared of that. life is in my grasp yet i feel i have no control over it. i just want to scream and scream and scream and wake up to myself! come on cristina WAKE UP!
there was a hint of postivity in one of my past entries before the little "violence" episode. i was waking up, and then all this shit had to viciously deprive me of even that benefit. why the am i so unlucky in life?
mum is really on edge about everything at the moment and i feel so sorry for her as if i should be helping her in some way. i know im younger, but still i love her dearly and i cant offer anything but bitter comments. im a terrible daughter. i want to go hug her now but she won't let me.
no word from renee. im still waiting.
no signs of healing, im still hoping.
signing out,
cristina.