remain positive
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 31. Jul 2004 09:37 PM
i found out today from my mother that my father has a tuma in his left cheek which will prove fatal if he does not get it removed. why? why did she have to say that? why now? she made me feel like it was my fault for it... like somehow my hatred towards him has inflicted him with such an illness, but of course, that's physcially impossible. whenever i felt sad and fearful after one of his little "violence" episodes, i used to say: "i hope he gets what he deserves in the end" but i never actually meant it. and now it seems that this is worse than i thought. sometimes i used to wish he would die.. and i regret all those feelings. i take them all back. how i could i have been so heartless? i always knew something was wrong with me but i never really fully comprehended how sick i was. how utterly horrible i am.
even now, after finding that little fact out, i still cant bring myself to communicate with my father though i wish i could. if only he didnt have such a fierce, hateful temper, then perhaps things could have been better- for everyone. he is still away at the moment and even though i still feel angry at him, i do hope he is gaining some peace and rest in his time of worry. but i also hope that he stops taking out his stress on me just because i am physically vulnerable and younger.
i went to a party last night with several friends. come to think of it i've been to a lot of parties lately yet i feel like im still alone. i actually quite enjoyed the party until we got back to my "friend's" house. everyone was bonding and talking (it was a girls night- for once) and everyone, other than me, seemed to be having a ball. i feel immune to friendship at the moment, in fact i couldnt even stand having one-on-one conversations with anyone at my friends' house last night even if i've known them for at least 4 years now. oh well. yet again, ive failed.
the subject descision-making for VCE has arose and rather than feeling excited and eager to enter this new stage in my life, i feel terrified and confused. everyone knows what path they want to pursue in their career but i dont. i once did... but thats all gone now. i hate it. i feel so lost now without my dreams.
a motivational speaker came to talk at our school, more commonly known as "toadie's" girlfriend in neighbours. she was telling us about her life as a struggling teenager who had escaped the burdens of home to pursue an independant life by herself in melbourne, though it hadnt really lived up to what she expected it to be. her stories and comments were so inspiring and invigorating that it actually made me grasp a tiny shred of hope for the time being. she told us how she managed to live her dreams using her heart and mind and for seconds i actually believed that maybe i could get through life doing the same... but then i realised that she is, after all, a very beautiful woman and i'm not, so no wonder people actually listened to her. she is enticing- both in personality, and in her physique. anyway the point of this little story was that she said these exact words which made me feel hopeless and utterly lost "our dreams are what wakes us up in the morning... what keeps us going through life... without our personal dreams we would have nothing to live for..." and i realised i had nothing to live for.. just thought i'd share that.
i wish i could be anyone but me. thats my one main ambition in life, to be someone other than myself, but that thought once again makes me feel horrible and heartless.
this entry is so jumpy its making me dizzy. but thats how i feel at the moment, jumpy, jittery, confused, alienated etc etc ETC.
i feel like i go through these phases every now and again- a hazy nightmare phase which crosses over to an actual nightmare then back to the haziness once more. at the moment im stuck in the haziness which i suppose eases some of the pain from my past nightmare, but still doesnt give me any happiness or escape from my turmoil. im scared that one day soon ill wake up to another nightmare and be stuck there forever which is why im trying depserately to block out all the persistent negative thoughts evolving in my head. i have to remain positive. i have to!
positive. positive. positive.
positivity=eternal happiness=life
negativity=eternal sadness=death
which equation will i end up with?
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thankyou image, phil c, rondi, blackdougbl and all those other brilliant-minded, beautiful-hearted people who have all left me posts in my past entries. without your consoling words of love and support, i wouldnt be typing right now. thankyou.