internal observations
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 6. Apr 2007 03:15 PM
i know the last thing everyone wants to hear is that im still with filipe. but i must talk about it, i really must.
I have not the strength, nor the courage to leave him at this point in my life. I can observe within myself exists a weakness, a destructive dependancy.
He has reduced me to the this level, no doubt.
Last night, it felt as thought i was another person, just watching this poor girl confusedly battle her emotions. i had no control. i had to merely respond obediently to him because my heart was tired of fighting.
we went out, and from the moment we got there if i spoke to a guy he would get furious and hiss in my hear "keep flirting babe, we'll see what happens", often twisting my hand and pushing me away from him viciously. even when i was speaking to my own cousin he said this, and i had to inform him it was my bloody cousin but he didn't believe me.
at one point i introduced him to some new friends and one of them called him a sleaze jokingly, because she noticed he was perving on another girl. when i was aware of this i too said it, jokingly of course, and for the rest of the night he didn't speak to me. childish? i think so.
in the car, i was hugging him and cuddling and begging him to tell me what was wrong. he was a little drunk, though not as much as he usually is. he banged his fists several times against the door and was pounding his forehead. i was so scared, i didn't understand how he could have so much pent up anger over nothing. at one point there were tears in his eyes, and i still don't know the reason why. is he angry at himself for what he's done with me? was he upset at me? i just don't know. though, i highly doubt he was angry at himself. he's not strong enough to acknowledge his flaws.
anyway he whispered in my ear "i just can't be with you alright, it's over". my body shook and my senses went numb. i knew he was tormenting me, he didn't mean it, i knew it, but i responded in the way he loved. i began crying. as soon as he saw the tears he cradled me and said "no babe, i love you, relax everything's going to be fine, you've just got to stop doing bad crap." i couldn't speak. what had i done? WHAT HAD I DONE? nothing. i was so powerless, it was unbearable. he knew he had the power. i was apologising and he was shaking his head and saying, 'i can't forgive you. i just can't. tomorrow night i'm going out , without you, and i will be around other girls. you won't stop me." it was psychotic. here he was, utilising this crazy power trip and inflicting pain on me in the process. i felt like i was back at the beach again, where for a week he abused me.
i started crying and yet again, the hugging. then suddenly, he began kissing me in the most vulgar way possible and making me touch him and acting so sexually crude that i almost vomited right there in the car. this was of course behind all his friend's back. i remember at this point going numb, i can't recall much (mind you i didnt touch a drop of alcohol all night because filipe would not allow it). but i do vaguely remember my eyes wide open in horror and disgust, wondering if i was in a dream, convincing myself i was, and letting him do whatever he wanted. afterwards feeling disgusted, and scared. my filipe? this was my filipe? no. it couldn't be. he promised he'd changed. he promised. how can he be worse? after everything. how?
before i left the car he said, "bye slut" and then hurriedly "just joking." i didn't look back.
i lay in bed last night, my body weak, my eyes despondent, my tears so sad..and held a hand against my heart for hours upon hours. i do not remember alot of what i was thinking because i have repressed this from my memory. but i do recall fantasising about living another life. this was the only thing that got me through to the morning.
i have surrendered.
--
an addittion
realised i have been suffering under filipe's pressure for four months. read over some diary entries saved to my comp and it seems that i am happy and content..then suddenly sky dive in november (last year) and no entry is cheerful after that. none. 0.
also, in these entries, the last positive entry titled - absolute happiness- was in october, before i met filipe.
on top of everything, found out he was with ANOTHER two girls last month. how many more are there?
how much more can my heart take? i have no one.