out of reach
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 26. Jul 2004 09:23 PM
dear renee,
remember how we said we'd hav that little refuge thing? well this is my refuge. my only refuge.
i was hit about 1 hour ago by him. A.I. commonly known as dad though that word makes me want to vomit. i was standing on the kitchen on the phone when he came in yelling at michelle to do work. i got off the phone and michelle walked off screaming abuse. he yelled at me to do it using his most vulgar language and i yelled back, telling him that michelle should help me to. he charged at me, banged me into the sink, threw me accross the kitchen floor where i helplessly stumbled upwards before punching his disgusting fists into my head at least 5 times before then pushing me roughly back to the sink and hitting me over the head. i was gasping and crying and he walked out. i did the dishes, my sobs so silent but so heatrending. when i was finsihed i ran to the shower, turned it full blast, grabbed my broken mirror and began slicing the flesh on my wrists and crying so hard and wishing i was dead. the blood was running uncontrolably into the drain renee i was hurting so bad all i could think was "i dont want to be here anymore, its time for me to go, i know it is, its time for me to leave forever and ever and ever" and the blood was pouring out and i was crying so hard and no one was there to save me and then i saw ur face and sarah's and mum's and i stopped and i lay on the shower floor crying and bleeding so deeply; all the wounds emanating from inside more than out and i just lay there unable to move , crying so hard, just crying and crying and crying and crying and no one was there , no one, no one at all and i couldnt speak to anyone and no one could speak to me because ive left everyone and i just cant live under this roof anymore i cant i cant i cant i cant stand the abuse or the pain or the turmoil or the loneliness and i cant go to school and i dont want to be one of ur sterotypical depressed friends i dont want to even be ur friend anymore because we're not and u deserve better anyway i just want to leave forever because i hav to leave i hav to go because i cant live this life no more. i thought this would never happen to me but deep down its always been there and ive always sensed it i always told u i cant see a future for myself but i was never truthful i am now i wouldnt want anyone to cry, i would just want the people who hurt me everyday to feel the pain back. to feel it through their body. and then that would be all, that's where it would end. i would be satisfied.
i sit at this keyboard my wrists bandanged, alone in this house, crying as i type, but typing all the same and i think that a life like urs should never be taken for granted and that should treasure each and every moment, value ur family, friends and memories. always. there's nothing i can change in this world; i will always be to everyone at school just a person who suddenly got quiet this year no one bothers to ask why or whats rong everyone puts their problems on my shoulders i answer i give support and all the while im dying inside because no one listens to me and i try to tell people but no one can cope so why can i cope with their troubles? my mum doesnt want to listen to me, she hates listening to me being depressed, why am i dying? why am i dying? you dont want to listen to me because u have ur own troubles i have my own troubles im so greedy and selfish i want everyone to listen to me because they never have, only u of course and i dont want u to think this is a cry of help this is just my refuge my lonely refuge
im out of reach
im sorry renee im sorry im sorry im sorry
---
my mum came home. i went to her, ready to tell her. but i couldnt. i knew the words wouldnt come out once i tried. so i merely told her that her favourite tv show was on. i am a coward. but she wouldnt care anyway.
---
flesh on cheeks burning from salty tears, body aching from rough blows, wrists stinging from deep cuts, heart broken from miserable pain.
its time to go now.