Read diary

happier tone

A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 25. Jul 2004 08:12 PM

why do i feel so much happier than i have in a long time? though i'm not running around in a wild manner, spreading my joy to the world with my flamboyant personality exposed (sarcasm) i do for some bizzarre reason feel at peace inside. i feel comfortable with what i am doing at the moment, with who i am and with who i will become. i wish that this moment would last forever though i know it won't. no human life is ever perfect.

something deep within me is fighting to steal all this happiness away but i'm not letting it. i am going to remain in my content, peaceful state and not let anything bother me until i am ready to fight it off.

let's just pray im strong enough for that.

----

you know what i have realised? that it has only been 1 month since i begun these entries, yet it feels like centures ago when i wrote my first entry entitled "harrowing blackness of misery" where my emotions spilled out uncontrolably like a bleeding wound. i have realised that this month has gone incredibly slow, such a nightmarish month, though all of a sudden i feel like i am gradually climbing out of this stage. i'm so sure of myself at the moment but in my head i wonder if it's purely just a figment of my imagination- this incredible stability, this... confidence. confidence? what is confidence? im sure i used to have some once upon a time... am i slowly grasping it back? is it time? oh god... is it time? is it time for me to wake up? i feel so certain that it is, yet lazy to explore my prospects. but what if i am ready to suddenly stop being so miserable. is that possible? how is that possible? am i one of the lucky few? i feel so terribly strange at the moment like my life is spinning around in an entirely opposite direction as it currently was. is this the turning point in my life? am i opening my eyes to the sunlight? will the sunlight welcome me? will sanity welcome me back into its warmth? no, no i'm imagining it. i'm simply imagining things. what if i suddenly feel happy again only to find that i'm not soon after. i will be so disapointed... so distraught... i want to take things slow and steady, i just can't rush out of this shit to only have something or someone crush my hope again. i have to slow down and lower my expectations because if i don't i fear i'll be wounded permanently, particularly if this is all just a terrible fluke.

god i feel so strange, so utterly confused. what's the hell's going on?

« Prev page | Next page »

Comments from the community:

Christina

You made me cry.. All of the above means that something GOOD is happening to you. How nice is it to feel positive? Let me tell you that the flicker of feeling positive (or at least not feeling so negative) has kept me going from day one of this thing. Well done for you, the trick now is to remember that feeling and bring it back when the blues come on to you.

Keep safe and take care.... Phil

Written by PhilC, 26. Jul 2004 05:37 PM

it was a fluke Phil. A terrible, digusting, sickening fluke. i was tricked into believing that maybe i was recovering... and now.. now its all gone. disapeared. im dying slowly now

Written by cristina, 26. Jul 2004 09:28 PM

Hiya Christina

Thats sad to hear that you are not too good. All I can say is that we care and want to see you get better.

we=depnet community.

Take care... Phil

Written by PhilC, 27. Jul 2004 07:17 PM

Cristina,
I feel this was the calm before the storm of your father. The earie peaceful feeling before the world crumbles. Trust your intuition.
I wasn't going to get into it, but what is happening to you, reminds me so much of my teenage life.My mother's boyfriend, He was a drug dealer and pedifile. He bashed me and I had to move out at 14 years old and go on Homeless Child Allowance. My sister had to leave also. I am O.K now, even though I still think about it sometimes.You know that you deserve so much better than the treatment you are currently recieving. You have the strength. I slashed my wrists also and the only one who noticed was my best friends mother, Sue. Parents af friends can help. You can get a little place of your own. You can finish school. I did and I completed Tafe Community Services. My de-facto Dennis, suicided in 1997, and It has effected me terribly. It has devestated his friends, family, and the pain of loss never goes away. No-one knows what they have until it is gone. I believe that killing yourself is pointless, because you still have a soul, but no body or vehical to express the love and personality. Imagine watching over loved ones as they suffer and have no power to comfort or reach out to them. That would be hell. Here, we have support networks, friends, and we can we helped. Your experience in pain is so valuable in life to understand, empathize and love others. I remember how unfair it all seemed that you have to worry about depression and violence and self harm when your peers are concerned with what mobile phone to buy. You are strong and you know this. I send all my love and best wishes. LOve from Lorna

Written by Anonymous, 29. Jul 2004 03:58 PM

Dearest Cristina...please consider the wonderful advice and insight that Image has given you...I know that you are still reading the posts...we wait in anticipation to hear of your well being... and of course that will be when you are ready to share with us again...

take care

Written by Anonymous, 29. Jul 2004 07:49 PM

A broken bone takes six weeks to heal. Broken skin, one to two weeks. A broken heart- months, years, never. Give yourself time to heal. It is not your fault. You are safe and secure. We care for you here. You touched our hearts and minds and we send you love in the form of tears.

Written by Anonymous, 29. Jul 2004 09:45 PM

About depression	Help with depression	Help for relatives	Society	DepNet Community	My Depression