cannot breath, want to leave this life behind
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 24. Mar 2007 12:55 AM
i am horrified. completely horrified.
on saturday night i went up to a girl filipe has deemed a friend for months and months and asked if she'd ever kissed or been with him. she honestly said "yes", not knowing who i was. i ran out in hysterical tears and filipe chased me, convincing me he'd never touched her.
the next day i spoke to her through myspace, sending her a private message detailing my relationship with filipe. she wrote back, in horror, saying she had no idea who i was until then and to call her immediately. when i did she was crying. she told me she'd been on and off with filipe for 6 months and he had treated her like a princess, promised her she was the only one and discussed pursuing a proper relationship with her. she had declined that, but they had remained friends and were physically with each other up until february this year. she sent me emails that he had sent her and when i received them i collapsed to the ground screaming and screaming and screaming, because they were words he used to speak to me, words id only dreamed he'd say to me and words that broke my heart because he was lying to me all along and my love for him overwhelmed my feelings of distrust and kept me with him.
when i confronted him he was crying and begging for me to stay. i havent been to uni all week. everyday he has threatened to kill himself, and every day i have gone to his house to calm him down, i have had sex with him, i have consoled him despite ME being the one who has been harmed. every night i go to bed miserable. last night i chose to give him a second chance. all week he had been so lovely, something that i had yearned for since he began treating me awfully a month into our relationship. but when i woke up this morning i felt sick about my decision and had a huge feeling i would only get hurt again, and when i did, that would be the final straw for me.
today i went to his house, i wanted to see his face, wanted him to reassure me. strange behaviour. but i am weak. i have always run back. he has manipulated me and made me believe i should always act selflessly and help him. he has never helped me.
at his house i looked through his past emails and chat logs with other girls and i found one in particular which implied that he'd recently been with that girl as well. everything i read was disgraceful; he was flirtatious and sleazy to so many various girls and the conversations were suggestive that he expected to pursue something which each and everyone of them. after confronting him, i hit him with all my power and cried and cried on the ground at his feet. i tried to leave his house but he wouldnt let me leave. he literally held me indoors for an hour, even after i threatened to call the cops. he calmed me down eventually and promised me the world, soothing me, and kissing me and expressing his deep, undying love.
i got home feeling sick and physically and emotionally drained of life and fell asleep. when i awoke i noticed he hadn't called me so i called him to find out he had just been to a party and was heading to a club because he had promised his mates from weeks ago and couldn't let them down. this was the last straw. i hung up on him and once again sunk to the ground, the lowest level that coincided with my weakness.
he has stolen from me, every ounce of strength and left me dead inside. i cannot breathe, cannot think. who am i anymore?
i wrote him this email:
you have taken away my life. you have taken away my happiness, my love, my dignity, my trust, my laughter, my compassion, my confidence, my security and my heart. you have taken it all away and left me in the dark.
you have made me believe your consistent sickening lies, you have made me comply with your wishes, you have made me forgive and forget your mistakes, you have made me console you in the darkest of your times and sacrifice my own well being in order to improve yours. i did it because i loved you. and nothing else.
the pain is excruciating and incomprehensible. if someone could have only warned me of this, i would have stayed far away.
im lying here tonight in bed, so fucking sad, so fearful, and i wonder why people like you are chosen to get everything in the end and walk away freely. and there's people like me, who give up everything, and suffer for no reason.
i wonder why it is, that those who are deceptive, cruel and selfish, as you are, can live your life peacefully, demanding so much from those with so little, and not expecting to return the efforts.
what would happen if someone ever did this to you. would you cry, or would you walk away from it all? because ive done both, and im still in the same position, unable to sleep because the pain and anguish of so many months haunts me no matter where i turn.
the saddest part of it all was that sometimes i feel i am stronger than both of us put together, but in reality, i am the weakest for believing you and contuining to be too afraid to escape my nightmare. and like everything else you have stolen from me, you have taken my strength as well, my most valued quality.
the thought of returning to you, helping you and then finding out more disgusting things you've been doing behind my back as well as finding out that you are going to the party after all made me so sick before i had to have another shower to wash away the memory of having sex with you today. i was so disgusted with myself for allowing you to be inside me and allowing myslef to run back to you. the shame is unbearable. you don't deserve to receive any form or pleasure or any form of comfort from me.
maybe you could have showed me slight happiness, but that happiness is nothing i can't receive off those around me who have remained loyal and respectful from the beginning. i am here in this life to give my love to someone who deserves it, and not someone who abuses and continues to after they have experienced that shame.
but you know what filipe, there's no more hatred or anger now within me, just complete pity. and still there is that same hope, that eventually your heart will produce good instead of so much selfish evil. i really, really hope so with everything i have left within me.
goodluck.
--
im not sure what to do. feel powerless. feel dead. just dead.