slipping away
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 24. Jul 2004 02:47 PM
i woke up this morning with a great feeling of despair that travelled to the very essence of my soul and further plauged my body and mind with a feeling of utter helplessness. i got up frowning, had a shower frowning and sat down in the lounge frowning. and i didn't know why. i didn't know the actual reason to why i was frowning. but now that i think of it maybe i do know. maybe it's the fact that little things have been getting me down lately, whether it be neglection from my friends or my weight etc. and all these miniscule problems have added up to one major issue and now i'm left with a profound feeling of depression. i wake up every day without any feeling of happiness whatsoever, only dejected thoughts. i just feel so tired, and not because i've just woken up, just because i'm simply exhausted from all these emotional inflictions which make me feel so sickening... so lost, helpless, alienated...
last night i went to another party with my friends. i wore clothes that didnt flatter me and thus left me feeling so fat and ugly, i didn't drink any alcohol so my self esteem yet again was at its all time low and the people at the party were intimidating, beautiful and wild. i used to be these 3 things once upon a time but now i cease to be any of them. i am actually, the complete oppoisite. inferior, ugly and boring. this girl that i have always envied since i met her was at the party absorbing the attention from guys and girls and rubbing it in my face. we've always had a little competition between us but i succumbed long ago. anyway, i watched her kiss every guy, dance so wonderfully, drink and smoke like she was a bloody expert and i felt sick. She was just... everything i once was, and wish to be. i spoke to no guys, cringing if any walked past me for fear they'd comment about my looks (that feeling is always present with me) and when i did speak to a few of my girlfriends, it was only for small amounts of time and usually they'd question why i wasn't out enjoying the party. my answers would be the same each time; i feel sick. that's why i say to everyone when i'm down and quiet. i feel sick. if only they knew the real reason. i wish i could just openly say; because i'm fucking depressed and thanks for not noticing.
when i got home from the party, having yet again had a shitty night, i sunk into bed and wouldn't move from my blankets, crying my heart out. i sobbed and sobbbed and sobbed, one of my most common routines after an exhausting impact on my emotions, and didn't stop crying until i'd fallen into hazy sleep. these wounds won't seem to heal; i just... i don't know. i feel strange. like slowly i'm slipping away from everyone, from life. climbing out of my true identity and being a nothingness? is that how i will live the rest of my life? as a nothingness? as someone who drifts by unhappily but not doing anything to change these feelings? what will help me? should i lose weight? should i change my personality? but how? how do i get the inspiration for these things that seem so difficult to me? im slipping away. unable to grasp my original self. drifting away with the rocky tide, and i don't think i'll ever return.
my family is also a major issue. my father can be cruel, vulgar, abusive, violent and loathing towards all of us; my mum, my 2 sisters and me. but then sometimes he can be nice, cheerful and funny. still i don't think i can ever forgive him for all his other faults. he's caused me too much pain over the years which has most likely led to some of my downfall. my mum is unsupporting, chaotic, dramatic and constantly angry. then other times she can be motherly, cute and bubbly. but that's rare. i can't speak to her which makes me feel even more alone. my sisters and i aren't very close and always seem to fight... so all in all my family isn't an emotional springboard for me, but rather, they're people who i dislike to be around though couldn't live without only because i've gotten so used to them over the years. i could live without my father though, but that thought makes me feel guilty and evil. i don't bring friends over much merely because i'm embarrased about the relationship i have with my family which is mostly made up of bitter and conflicting scenes and feelings. i remember when i went to the school counsellor and told my mum. she went crazy and screamed that i was disrespectful and evil to tell the counsellors about family issues and my personal troubles. i asked her to promise not to tell anyone but it ended up with her telling every single family member and for weeks on end i was constantly bombarded with their hurtful comments. things such as "go fucking see a counsellor you loner" "no wonder you have to see a counsellor, you're so stuffed up" etc, etc. it hurt me so much but i managed to survive through it. still i won't forget constantly crying and trying to harm myself; they're memories that won't ever leave.
this year has been disastrous. i wish i could turn back time and start all over again. i truly wish.
i don't know what the next step from here will be and i fear the answer. would it be death or recovery? which am i destined to do?
only time will tell.