being consumed by life
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 19. Jul 2004 01:05 AM
today it was my sister's 18th birthday and she received many beautiful presents, cards and lots of attention. watching her absorb so much attention from her family and friends made me jealous and bitter. i found that i could not socialise or communicate with barely anyone at the party and so i took to sitting alone and eating as much as i could. even when my stomach felt as thought it would burst and i felt a burning sensation evolve in my throat which was most likely vomit- i still kept eating. as i ate, consuming each tasty morsel of my food, all i could think to myself was that i was cheering myself up. but as soon as a plate of food had been completely devoured i'd feel guilty and ashamed and fill up another plate to quickly regain that sense of cheerfulness from the exotic tastes.
food, i have found, was the first sign of my depression. i began eating so much that i'd feel on the brink of vomitting in my early stages of sadness. now my situation has grown worse. i eat double the amounts and afterwards feel even more outraged at myself. god... why can't i break free from this terrible habit? everything is so habitual with me. sometimes i will eat without tasting, sometimes i will cry as i eat, sometimes i go a day without eating because i am so angry with myself but then i will just binge at night. i dont want everyone reading this to think i have an eating problem that cannot be classified as depression because eating is just a tiny part of what bothers me in life. its a huge cycle. i become sad because im fat so i eat to feel happy momentarily and then afterwards i feel fat again and hence acquire lesser self esteem then i had before. everything is ridiculous!
my friends went to a party last night. without me. apparently the guy hosting the party invited me but my friends didn't make an effort to inform me of that fact. they "apparently" had a blast. though, i know that if i'd gone to the party i would've been so unbelivably self concious, yet that doenst excuse my so-called idiotic friends for not inviting me. I envy the fact that they hooked up with many guys and one even had sex with a guy there. as i mentioned before; they're 15 yet act 20.
school is tomorrow and i feel strange inside, fearful almost. i cannot handle speaking to people anymore. i hate it. i hate it so much. i hate even the thought of uttering one word to anyone. i resent communicating with anyone yet a year ago i was the most communicative out of my friends. oh my god. i literally was.
why is it that when you realise something bad that you wish you'd kept at the back of your mind, things begin to crash down? because at the moment everything's crashing now and i'm getting squashed by the pressure of knowing that i was normal. i was normal back then.
i wonder if i'll ever return to that normality?