know what to do, need to move forth
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 4. Mar 2007 10:10 PM
regardless of everything, once again me and filipe are back. aren't i just the weakest girl you've ever met?
he has been lovely to me and i think it'll be awhile before he's cruel again. reason being, i put him in his place the other night when he rang. told him what a worthless piece of crap he truly was and he didnt deserve me, think it hit home.
still no matter how much he tells me he loves me and he is kind, i feel so deeply disatisfied. he's not a soul mate nor a best friend nor really a lover anymore.
told him tonight i wasn't feeling it. he said he felt it more than ever. how is that right??? how can one person feel it when the other doesn't- clearly that person is disillusionised about the whole relationship which is what he has been since the beginning.
his emails, full of flirtaious messages from women, dont know if i can handle that. last night in the club, so many girls..
lately i'll look around sadly at smiling faces and happy couples and wish i could be them. im so bitter at myself for having sunk this far into something so awful. i know what to do, it's just too hard to put it into action when im scared of making my life even more unstable than it already is.
at the moment i hide behind safety walls, trying to obtain closure from my false sense of security, from my comfort zones. or should i say discomfort zones.
i am not loved. i am so lost and voiceless right now.