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help me god, please

A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 28. Feb 2007 09:13 PM

the pain is too much. its hurting my heart, i cant bear it, i cant please someone take it away please please please i want to live i want to be free i need to be happy.

there was a time when i never cried but i cry everyday, deep sobs, wishing for a better life, wishing i wasnt born, wishing i had the courage to leave this earth.

im lost and lonely, its all gone, what i built over years and years. maybe i deserved it?? i dont understand why else this could have happened to me, this eternal pain, this horrifying ordeal.

they've gone again, with their boyfriends.. both of them. both of my two best friends. said to be engaged. no use for me anymore. mentally and emotionally they have left.

he has gone too. i pushed him away. such a traumatising 5 month journey. at nights i cry and cry when i go over it, those fucked up months, trying to understand a reason for why i stayed, why i expereienced such devastating pathetic treatment, why he won in the end, with other girls..god they all love him. they adore him. they have no idea

here i sit. alone in my bedroom. cant go to uni tomorrow. cant face anyone. cant speak to family. phone switched off. refuse to take medication, im not going to be drugged up like that. refuse. have to sit through it till i can get up again.

couldnt bear the superficiality anymore. had to put on a brave face, a brave laugh.. inside i was screaming and tearing my hair out and wailing..wailing wailing wailing

keep envisioning myself dead. will never do it but keep envisioning

weak

no voice

the pain is too much. not again. please god help me. get me out.

he said to me, keep helping people and good things would happen to you. filipe said that. he said i love you with all my heart. he said i miss you. he didnt say there were other girls. he didnt say he was hiding it so well. he didnt say he would drain me for all i was worth, emotionally and mentally. didnt say he would hit me and yell at me and belittle me and swear at me and criticise me till i couldnt survive anymore, couldnt breathe. he didnt say he would take and never give and expect me to be grateful. didnt say he would hurt me time and time again, and make me cry almost every day, and lose my identity, lost my everything. didnt say he would ruin me. didnt say he would kill me.

he didnt say that. he lied

all alone again. too weak to rebuild. too weak. thats it. final.

end.

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Comments from the community:

Dear cristina,
Please go to your GP or a hospital and ask for help.
If you are scared of the side effect of feeling 'doped out' ask for a med that will be less likely to affect you that way.
You cannot live your live the way you are at the moment cutting yourself off from the world.
Love is a beautiful thing but can also hurt so badly.
I know from experience.
Hugs and Support,
Melanie xox

Written by Deleted_User, 28. Feb 2007 09:24 PM

Dear Cristina

For your own sake, please go to a gp, and get a referral for specialised treatment. You can get through this awful period, but you need some decent help to do it. You will be ok.

Lots of love

Kimberly
xoxo

Written by Deleted_User, 28. Feb 2007 09:33 PM

You seem in shock..this is because you didn't think he could be any worse, only to find out that he can.
University is important, please attend...as best you can. New sim card..$2.00. Student counselling. The dynamic is..only filipe can make you feel better when you are down, but the reality is, he is also the one who has put you there.
Don't let him do that anymore. He has no boundaries, and has taken advantage of your larger than life attachment to him.
Try to use your head, not your heart for awhile. You wouldn't be at Uni if you didn't have a good brain..now is the time to use it. You will not be the only Student who is struggling with study because of a broken heart. It's a big club. You will feel like shit for awhile, don't wait till you feel better..minimise your losses, please. Do your best. Those of us with depression just do not understand people willingly hurting others, but they exist, and he is one of them. Isn't that really all you need to know?

Written by Deleted_User, 1. Mar 2007 08:35 AM

Dear Cristina

A better life is around the corner, if you just get some help. I know it seems impossible to imagine laughing and living life to the fullest again, but you will, in time you can heal and be whole but you do really need to get help. Start with your doctor, or a counselor.

I'm not sure where you're from but in Australia we have plenty of help for victims of abuse. Please see http://www.brokenspirits.com for detailed information on resources available to you.

You don't need to do this alone, please get help today.
Tank

Written by tank, 1. Mar 2007 09:24 AM

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