digging deeper
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 17. Jul 2004 03:01 AM
i said to my mum today; mum i think i'm depressed... note how i said "i think" because i wasnt sure how'd she take me saying that i was entirely depressed. she told me that the more i dwell on things the more im digging my hole, the more i'm imagining that im depressed. i don't understand it. why couldn't she have said something else; why did she have to doubt even this aspect of my life? though her after comment was somewhat disapointing, just the fact that i actually revealed to her a piece of how i was feeling felt relieving yet heatrending.
right now i sit here, my eyes brimming with tears and i realise that i'm so incredibly awake to such a harsh world when all along i've thought that i was sleeping. how can you be sleeping and feel such vivid pangs of misery or doubt or helplessness? dreams dont entails feelings that are so physically real that they actually ache inside your every limb. dreams only consist of images of the past, present and future. its so strange to think that even as we are sleeping, our brain is in full mode and somehow conjures up images that seem so messed up and unstructured. lately i've been having a lot of nightmares and i wake up frightened, turn on my light and sit there until i become so tired that the fear subsides and i fall into a hazy dome of sleep only to have more nightmares. dreams are very symbolic in one's lives. mine usually encompass things which i need to sort out or things that i am bothered or frustrated about but they are always strange yet seem so realistic. once in a while i'll have a nice, jovial dream but that's very rare. it just goes to show how much our dreams can mirror our lives.
i was on the phone to a friend before who is so caught up with her boyfriend that she barely makes time for anything else. midway through a sentence of mine she said she had to go and we both hung up. i felt so lonely after that, that i curled myself into a miserable, vulnerable ball and just rocked back and forth on the couch whimpering gently like a wounded animal. i felt like such a pathetic sight but it somehow seemed consoling after my abrupt bout of loneliness. i tried to dial another friend's number but i was engaged and i guessed she too was on the phone to her boyfriend. i then tried calling a third friend but got her answering machine. i felt in despair, lonely and distressed. there was no one. no one at all who i could actually speak to so i came on the internet to see if any of my friends were online. some were but none said hello to me. it hurt me so much, a sharp knife jabbing deeply into my skin, making the flesh bleed a deep crimson, blood spreading all over my body and making everything cold. it was terrifying to think of.
when i was deeply depressed and mildly suicidal, i at least had a refuge which involved imagining myself dead of hurt and seeing how pained everyone would be to see me this way. now that i'm past this stage, and realising that no one would care if i left, i have no refuge whatsoever. i simply sit there at my worst moments unable to do or say anything, just sitting and waiting until the confusing pain passes if not fast, then gradually and then i can retain my stream of thought once again. i am so lonely.
i don't even think this is so good for me either. i've read other entries and they seem so happy... so positive... so on the surface. everyday problems troubling people's lives whether it be paying bills or fighting with a friend. but for me, a teenager, it seems that my troubles are just so different from everyone and i don't want to be different. i dont want to feel that i'm the only one that's like this- that i'm some sort of freak. i don't want to be lonely in this either though i am. terribly.
analysing my life makes me realise that i have few people who dearly love me. my mother for one; despite our constant arguments i know she loves me. my sisters; they love me. renee; somewhere inside her she loves me even if we barely talk and even if she's found other people (she's my best friend who i lost touch with... come to think of it as soon as that occured things started to get jumbled in my life perhaps because she was always the balance). i think that's all. my father doesn't love me; he only loves other women who aren't my mum or my sisters. my friends definetly do not love me. they see me as someone bitter, boring and sullen. perhaps the reason why i am not receiving any support from them was because i never gave it? but didnt i give them all support? havent i always? why hasnt my support ever been acknowledged? i have these memories of me buying presents for friends, birthday cakes, calling them, inviting them, shouting them to lunch... and in return wat do i get- nothing. on my birthday i was given a block of chocolate that represented my cake and which everyone grabbed at as soon as happy birthday was over and for my presents; items that were supposed to seem funny but made me terribly depressed. stupid things from the reject shop that cost no more than 2 dollars each. i remember having this tiny little celebration at school where everyone was merely interested in the chocolate and then coming home and crying so much. just sobbing my heart out. my sisters yelling at me to shutup.... my mum telling me im a sook... and me just under my covers crying so much that i could barely breath. then i remember ellie ringing, my cuzin who is also like my best friend only i wouldnt go that far, and she too snapped at me to stop being a sook. i have never been so miserable. it was like that was the first day i suddenly realised that i was alone. my birthday. ME day. yet it had become TEARS day. it was such a forlorn experience; i can't bear to even think of it now because it makes me want to cry.
i feel so terribly sorry for myself. is it right to feel that? should i feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself?
im so cold. im shivering yet its barely chilly. im just cold. inside and out. today everyone went out with groups and no one invited me. not even fucking stef that stupid bitch. it hurts me so much- this is not some teeny bopper fucking problem. this is so serious. this wounds me so deeply. it seems so superficial but it kills me inside. why not me? why the fuck not me?
yet again i end one of many entries with many questions that fail to be answered.
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this is something i posted in someone else's entry. perhaps it will make others understand how i feel...
By cristina, Written Saturday, 17. July 2004
i read your entry because you left a comment on my first ever entry here. initially i decided to leave you a bright message that told you to "stay in there" but then i realised why say that for? why? what help will that do you? instead i felt myself reading my own words. i felt like i was reading my own entry... ur words, ur comments, ur feelings are like mine. its bizarre to know that i feel similar to someone. there was someone that left a message in one of my entries stating that they felt so much like me; they could empathize with the way i described my life and feelings. instantly i felt bitter to that person, thinking that no one could ever feel the way i do. but then i read your entry. and i realise that i'm not alone in this world... that no one is. that this world comprises so many brilliant-minded human beings and one day perhaps we shall all get lucky and meet halfway with someone as brilliant-minded as ourselves. (i am talking about the world as a whole). i don't know. i have so many thoughts yet it feels strange to expose them on such a place when people can judge and speculate and comment using words- my enemy and my friend.
you seem to be like me several stages ago. once upon a time i used to be sure of myself, though depressed. i knew that i had alot going for me, that i could write brilliantly, that everyone absolutely adored me at school and that guys thought i was pretty. but as much as i dont want to admit it i knew i was depressed even a little back then. and i put on such a sunny disposition that no one thought twice that i could have been the slightest bit sad. but now i've completely dissolved into delusion and doubt even the best of my talents. i feel that i cannot write; that my words are basic and boring and do not express what i
By cristina, Written Saturday, 17. July 2004
truly feel and i also feel lonely and as if no one loves me. i hate my personality, my looks, my family and friends. i hate everything.
please dont ever reach this stage. fight your way out as much as you possibly can because once you sink to this level it seems impossible to escape. please, for me, free yourself from the burdens of doubt and depression.
you're better than that.
and like you mentioned in your entry; you've got so much going for yourself. well find yourself, capture the moments because it seems to me that now i won't ever get out alive- but you have the chance and it is waiting to be grasped. you just need to know when to grasp it.. i can't tell you, nobody can. only you can decide when to.
By cristina, Written Saturday, 17. July 2004
also i want to say that though your entry is short i admire you for actually truly voicing (or typing) your feelings. in my entries, though they are long, i feel that in a way im still holding back and wearing a mask even if no one can see me.
i admire your strength and courage to be you and no one else. the fact that i have acknowledged and analysed your entry so intricately would perhaps be that we're almost the same age and i feel the same way.
you've opened my eyes.