foolish
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 16. Feb 2007 09:25 PM
i was foolish to ever think things would get better for me with him. i was foolish to ever believe he would love me, just as he used to. i was foolish to think that i would be loved just the way i am. i was foolish to trust my own hopes, my prayers, knowing deep in my heart- how foolish they were.
my best friend looked at me the other day, while we were shopping. it was a spontaneous look, out of the blue and she said "he's killing you inside isn't he?". i went silent because i didnt know what to say. i know my friends are aware of how bad the mistreatment is but i didnt know they knew the extent of my desolation. i thought i was hidden, that i was safe.
today there was that same feeling again, of emptiness, of loneliness. we were all at the beach and filipe acted indifferently towards me. he treated me like a toy, or like a piece of dirt. every now and then paying me attention before tossing me to the side, occasionally slipping in some unkindly comments or acting rude and inconsiderate towards me, and no one else. i felt too exhausted to stick up for myself, too tired of fighting.
he also said something that hurt me deeply. he looked at me calculatively and with a slight smirk said, "do you ever get bored of the same person... just really, really damn bored?" i looked at him and i couldnt reply because i knew he was referring to me. so i am boring now. i am nothing, i am no one. that is how he makes me feel.
in the car on the way home i felt him and his friends were all against me and i was an unwanted figure. i have forgotten what it feels like to be around people who appreciate and adore my presence. but i remember, at least i think, i used to always be around people like this. even filipe at one stage, made me feel like i was special, like i was actually a person, not an invisible void.
i've lost my identity, my voice..i've lost it all. i can't laugh anymore, i can't even cry properly. i feel helpless.
valentines day... i went out of my way for him. bought him everything, even went to see him. he got me nothing, stayed with me for a bit and sent me home. it was the loneliest night. i cried myself to sleep.
i hate feeling sorry for myself. everytime i do i get angry because i used to do this ages ago, when i was younger and it brought me no progress.
my mental state refuses to let go of filipe. even if i do not call him or speak to him nicely, it is because i want him to chase ME not the other way around- this is not a tactic to get rid of him. i cannot literally fathom my life without him.
he has made me feel like i will be lost without him, yet when i am with him he has made me feel like i am no one and therefore he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and i will never do better, or no one will ever be the slightest bit interested in me.
maybe it's true. maybe i am no one, a nothing, always have been, always will, and since i bring nothing to no one's life anymore, maybe i should sink back into the bleak shadows where i belong.
maybe.