forever changing
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 11. Jul 2004 08:00 AM
i find this whole dep net atmosphere just so comforting. like a big warm security blanket that i can wrap tightly around myself and let ease some of the depressing thoughts that have been weighing me down; transfering them instead to here. knowing people are reading and responding makes me feel not entirely alone. its a very comforting feeling. i read the quote of agathie christie on the opening depnet.com page and it too strikes a very comforting chord. it reads "i have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable... but through it all i still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing" or something along the lines of that. very optimistic tones in that sentence.
anyway i have a friend sleeping over at the moment but she's in a different room. she's sleeping right now, snoring away why i type in the study. im glad i can finally have some time to myself. its 4:48 AM! i cant believe that im still awake in the early hours of the morning but ive always been a late owl. its strange that however lonely i feel im always surrounded by people. though i dont know whether its good or bad energy that im receiving off them. not literally from the way they act to me but just being with them- i dont know whether its good or bad. i seem to always doubt myself and immediately assume after every social occasion that my friends want nothing to do with me because i am merely ugly, fat and boring. but i think they do. i think they do want something to do with me even if it may be small. but why cant i be comforted by that feeling of being wanted or at least cared about? because i feel that however many friends i may have absolutely no one is on my level. i need to be around people who are on my level and who think as i do otherwise i make myself impossible to get to know to others. in this i can be so free-minded because i dont have to worry about limiting my words. i can just expose myself without being judged. but this fact differs greatly to what my real life relationships possess. its strange how one minute i can feel slightly hopeful and the next negative. its like a big sea of everchanging waves or fickle weather would be a better way to put it. sometimes light, sometimes dark and gloomy. the holidays are almost over- well they are pretty much over and school has approached. im so scared to go back, not because im lazy but because i dont know if i can handle another term of failing. i really dont think i have enough emotional stablitity to put up with disapointment. and i dont have enough motivation to avoid that disapointment. i was hoping that over the holidays i could redeem myself to my original happy state but i now know that that is impossible and recovering will take time- even years maybe. who knows.
im 15 now and slowly things are becoming more and more clearer; im becoming very in tune with my feelings and overall personality but in the past things were very different because i was less mature and didnt need to worry about such matters. now that im older i feel obliged to act older and more mature when last year at only 14 i felt like i was flying. i thought to myself; im 14 and im doing all this wild stuff as well as acheiving excellent grades! im so lucky! now this year i think "im 15 and im doing barely anything wild nor am i acheiving good grades. im stuck in a rut!" its very bizarre how much things can change- like the fickle weather again. last year good, this year bad. i so desperately want to know what caused this sudden depression but then again i wonder if identifying the problem would make me just worse?
i ate so much today it was unbelievable and all the while i felt so terribly guilty but i still couldn't stop. mixed with that guilt was satisfication something i am constantly deprived of. because eating can give me momentary bouts of satisfication i am always indulging in it. i honestly cant stop myself. its like an invisible force driving me to overeat. i look in the mirror and hate what i see and know i can be better. but when do i start? why do i need a time for everything? an identification of a time when things began going wrong, a time to start the gym, a time to wake up from this hellish misery....... why is everything so timed? one big stupid clock!
this is what i reckon... as the fog clears and i become more and more aware of my issues, in a way something inside me is clearing some space to start over also. but that will take time to discover... i just have to be patient...
cristina
ps im so glad that this entry was written in a more happier tone.. thats progress i suppose even if its not entirely blissful!
---- addition ----
i just read over my first entry ever on this site and i am so shocked! the state of depression i was in then was pretty major, certainly not as major as it is now. i was shaking a little as i read it realising that i had subjected myself to such a danger as cutting myself. how could i? i feel so terrible and so appalled that i had been so depressed and only a few weeks ago! i suppose that like the forever changing weather- it was my darkest time. now the light is beginning to gently peak through the dark clouds and i am just so grateful, although i still feel like im in a hazy dream. im still hoping to wake up sometime soon when things slow down and stop forever changing...