realisation
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 8. Feb 2007 01:53 AM
i have realised i have the power for change, but im so unmotivated to utilise this power.
need a job, a job = money and a way to pass those monotonous, empty days. money= going out freely and nicer posesssions to make me feel better about myself.
need to go back to the gym. gym= fitness and health and a positive state-of-mind; gym= exactly what i need to achieve perfect body.
need to eat right= feel better throughout the day and night, more energy, more motivation.
once i develop the ability to fulfil all these goals, then i can work on the rest of the scramble in my life. such as friends, ive lost so many contacts since school ended, and my confidence- my old insecurities seem to be jumping out in all sorts of horrible situations.
as for filipe, well its the most flawed relationship i have ever encountered, i often wonder if i'll ever be able to sustain a normal relationship, because all my others have been seemingly rocky- i think it has something to do with me, how i handle things, how i respond to things.. definetly my behaviour. well at least im learning for the next time.
i broke dave's heart, couldn't commit to him, he doesnt seem very interested anymore. i feel so bad, but he's the least of my worries. become extremely close with a new guy friend, he's great, im completely myself and he acts as a momentary refuge in dark times.
filipe still incredibly jealous, has made me feel like a liar these past few weeks though im not sure what i am lying about? i suspect he is cheating, though don't want to think about it. feel like i can breathe slightly when he is around, and im choking when he is not.
i need to rely on myself, my own happiness, but its so incredibly hard. there seems to be simple answers, but its all so difficult right now. my happiness literally depends on others, which makes it hard to predict my emotions day-to-day.
im all over the place. wonder when ill step out of this rut.
dream of a perfect relationship with filipe, a relationship where he is kind, loving, gentle, affectionate, in love with me. head over heels. we are best friends, soul mates- you name it, just like the first two months we were together.
now on some days we are friends, distant strangers, others we are purely physical (these days i feel the emptiest) and others we are loving and affectionate but these kind of days are usually blemished by bigger arguments than normal as if we are punishing each other for being nice. what a peculiar, abnormal relationship.
im offended that our RELATIONSHIP isnt a legitimate relationship. we are not actually "boy friend" and "girlfriend". is he ashamed of me, does he want to keep his options open? what is it? all ive ever dreamt about is for one day him to ask me out, properly, to my face and say he loves me.
im not sure if that day will ever come. im not sure if i can keep dreaming. all i know is that ive got to sort some other stuff out first, before i sort out my stupid, pathetic love life.
stupid, stupid life.