Read diary

fragile

A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 29. Jan 2007 09:31 PM

right now my emotions are like tiny slivers of fragile glass, so easy to break, and so all over the place. everyday im not sure how i will feel, where my emotions will take me. sometimes good, sometimes bad.

filipe has been on his best behaviour. truly he has. still i dont feel true satisfaction with him, but i do feel some sort of comfort, i guess?

on saturday night he got drunk again when we went out. i have found the roots of his problem; he is a horribly aggressive drunk. when he gets drunk you can't stop him. his behaviour is so erratic i sometimes question if he has bipolar disorder. when i tell him to go get checked out he gets upset and won't speak to me.

saturday i was on my best behaviour. i stuck by his side, and had fun. but towards the end i could sense the mood changes. he'd grab me and hold me then push me away and walk off. then he'd get furious if i walked off. when we were walking back to the car he was trying to pick a fight but i remained silent. i think this made him angry because he punched me in the arm. i was so outraged i punched him right back in the chest, 10 times harder. he was shocked and hugged me, apologetic but i felt sick.

in the car he was begging me to look at him but i refused. when my friends dropped me home he rang me crying and having a panic attack saying he didnt want me to leave him. i turned my phone off and went to bed. in the morning he came over and bought me a great big teddy bear saying "I love you". i forgave him then. i shouldn't have, but we talked. no more drinking for him.

something is missing in my life. i smile, i can create a facade and act as if im the happiest girl in the world, but deep down i think im dying inside.

« Prev page | Next page »

Comments from the community:

Dear Cristina

You know what you need to do regarding this relationship. You've written it down before on this site.

Are you seeing a counsellor/psych that can help you and support you whilst you make the break? This is when you need solid friends, and also a good professional if you can access one.

Sometimes when we're down, it's easier to put our energy into focussing on someone else's messed upness, when we really need to focus on fixing ourself. You're worth more than this chicky - put that energy and effort into yourself. This man is not good for you and not worthy of you. I know you know this in your head - it's just a matter of having the self love - so that your heart doesn't want to keep putting yourself in this situation. Please try and stay strong. The sooner you can end this, the sooner you'll be able to get better, and also provide yourself with the opportunity to meet a partner who is worthy of you.

I write this quite strongly to you because I believe in you and it is frustrating and sad seeing this happen to you. I know you can do better.

Love Kimberly

PS. I don't think he will stop drinking.

Written by Deleted_User, 29. Jan 2007 10:39 PM

Cristina

just some things for you:

you are too clever for this
you are too valuable for this
you have too much potential for this
you are too kind for this
you are too fragile for this
you are too beautiful for this

Someone much more worthy deserves your love
Causes much more worthy deserve your effort

Just because we care for someone, and just because they have been hurt or damaged by life, does not provide them with justification to abuse us.

Unhealthy relationships last because both partners in the relationship are mentally unhealthy. If one of the partners was mentally healthy that person would say: "I care for this person, but I deserve more than this and I am more valuable than this, and I need to do what is right for me" and the healthy person would leave. Cristina, you're the one that's got the potential to get healthy because you're the one that's trying. Please get someone to help you get stronger so you can make the decisions to protect yourself.

Finally, if it was one of your female friends and she treated you this way how would you respond to her? Do you accept different behaviour from a male than you would from a female? If so why?

Just some more thoughts that have been mulling through my brain - hope they help.

Love Kimberly

Written by Deleted_User, 30. Jan 2007 05:47 AM

Hi cristina

you know what must be done, or you will never be truly happy.

good luck Marie

Written by 1990, 30. Jan 2007 10:22 AM

Dear Cristina,

I am begging you, get out of this relationship for good, before it is too late. I do not want you dead!

This self centred, abusive jerk does not love you. If you love someone you do not treat them as he is treating you.

You say he has been on his best behaviour. Well I guess the drunken rage on Saturday night put an end to that. Drinking is no excuse for his abusive and violent behaviour towards you.

What would you say if it wasn't you and instead it was your best girlfriend going out with him? What advice would you give her Cristina??? I am pretty sure you would tell you to leave him, to get out while she still could.

Please Cristina, please, please get him out of your life. You deserve so much better. Deep down I think you know the reason you are dying inside - Filipe is the reason.

Love hugs and support
from Shadowdancer xxx

Written by Deleted_User, 30. Jan 2007 11:16 AM

Hi cristina

As the others have said, you know what you have to and need to do before you can even start to heal.

If you do not leave this man he will just keep hurting you both emotionally and physically. You should not have to be on what He considers to be your best behaviour to be worthy of being with him. He is being cruel to you and manipulating you.

Please leave him before it is too late.

Keep your chin up and be kind to yourself

Jenny

Written by Deleted_User, 30. Jan 2007 12:57 PM

About depression	Help with depression	Help for relatives	Society	DepNet Community	My Depression