the club
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 8. Jul 2004 03:25 PM
in my last entry i mentioned how i was going clubbing with a friend of mine. well i went. i actually went. here's what happened...
we both got ready at her house and i was actually feeling momentarily confident with my new outfit which flattered alot of my body. the fact that i could look into the mirror without feeling like i wanted to vomit at my appearance made me overall feel comfortable. (a feeling which i've been deprived of for a long time) we went to the station to catch the train and there was an absolutely gorgeous guy who looked around 19, 20. he actually checked me out without a repulsed look on his face and this made me feel extremely confident. the fact that i was smoking, dressed up and being checked out by a guy i thought was way beyond my region felt very invigorating and made me feel slightly happier.
anyway by the time we reached the club my confidence was starting to diminish. sleazy guys were spilling out left right and centre and skanky girls with tiny mini skirts and boob tubes were everywhere! almost immediately i regretted my choice of outfit which seemed quite bland against these girls'. when we got inside it seemed that every guy was staring at my friend. that's when things started to go downhill. guys were approaching my friend wanting to hook up or get her number or talk as such but none of them looked twice at me. that's when i slowly felt more and more inferior to my friend who seemed to be soaking in all the attention like it was an every day normal routine.
later into the night we were out on the vast dance floor where a million guys were sleazing to almost every girl. now and then a guy would approach me, but sadly, they definetly weren't my type. i don't mean to be shallow (and i shouldn't be considering i'm ugly myself) but i dislike kissing or getting just anyone's number. in the old days i actually used to admire all guys who approached me but that's because i was probably skinnier, prettier and happier.
a majority of my night was spent jealously watching as beautiful girls kissed or danced with beautiful guys. my friend, on my behalf, rejected every single guy that approached her which seems quite appaling now that I think of it, considering she adores hooking up with guys, but also shows that she is a good friend. by the end of the night i still hadn't kissed a guy and no resonably nice ones had approached so i told my friend i wanted to leave. she agreed and we left a little earlier than 12. we caught a train and taxi home and i climbed into bed very eagerly wanting to shut out the night's happenings with dreams about a better life.
god didn't answer my prayers last night, or should i say i myself didn't answer my own prayers. i wasn't confident enough and the confidence that was ignited for the early part of the night was soon overrode by my feelings of self-consciousness. what i dread is the confrontations at school. every single one of my friends will ask why i didn't kiss a guy and i don't know what lousy comment i will come up with this time. i'm exhausted from this pressure to live up to their standards. i just want things to be better. how do i make them better?
my friend suggested that the reason guys who i admired at the club didn't approach me was because i look older and more mature. she noted that the guy at the station was a perfect example of how older i look since he probably assumed i was around his age. i felt lightened by this comment, but also somewhat dejected. if i don't look 15 then how old do i look? i want to be with guys who are my age; i don't want to grow up so fast. it's unfair. lately people always comment how older i look and how mature i can think and act. i hate it. i want to be like all my friends; wild, girly and young (not to mention free of depressing burdens). i don't want to exactly decrese my intelligence (even though i barely have any) but i do want to act and look more of my age.
thanks to all those who answered my last entry. i wish i had read them before i went to that club. i know all your words of encouragement and compassion would have seen me through the night but i suppose i was too late.
cristina.